YAPfirmations: Learning to Love Inspired by Nicole Moore
YAPfirmations: Learning to Love Inspired by Nicole Moore
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We're chatting with Nicole Moore, a celebrity love coach and body language expert who helps powerful people find their ideal partners through her love works. Nicole uses her buzzing, YouTube, Instagram, and podcast channels to inform love hungry fans about her methods and experience she's been featured in Netflix, Forbes, money magazine, people magazine, and Inc com.
And today's episode, we chat about Nicole's childhood and how that impacted her love. As an adult and we'll understand why she decided to become a love coach we'll then dive deeper into the bad personality types to watch out for when to walk away from a relationship and the best methods to find the love of your life or strengthen your current relationship during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Hi, Nicole, welcome to young and profiting podcast. I am so excited to be here. Me too. So I found you on Instagram, you are a podcaster and you're also a love coach. And I absolutely thought this would be the perfect Valentine's day episode. So really excited to talk to you about everything related to love and how we can find the right love.
And there's so much to unpack here, but first I want to start with your childhood. My research team told me that you were actually a twin and when you were born, you had a lot of complications. And in fact, your mother was very aloof and distant with you and it wasn't until you were 26 years old that you first told her that you loved her and that you guys said I love you.
Yeah. Yeah. So that's pretty deep. I know I'm going in pretty deep, right in the beginning. That's, that's how we do at young and profiting podcasts because of the chase. So I want to understand, like, what was your perception of love, like growing up and how did that shape you and how you feel about loving.
Yeah. It's like the game chose me, you guys, because this is how I felt as a kid. Like, so obviously my mom had her own issues. My dad had his own issues. Like it's not their fault. Right. But they did not express, like, I didn't hear, I love you, but there wasn't affection. So I literally remember as a child looking around at other families and just thinking like, oh, well they must have a loving family.
And we don't. So I believe. As a child, then my parents just didn't love me, but they just didn't care about me enough. And of course, I believe that. And I could pull stories to prove that I'm sure through their lens, they can pull stories to prove that they did, but that's a matter, that's what I was feeling.
That's what I was vibrating. And it was a really big core wound from me. So of course then when I went out to start dating, I was dating from a place of, I need love. I'm in love. I don't have love. And so I talked to that. A lot of the wrong people, but I was always kind of interested in LA obviously, because I think when you have a big lack or a big wound in the beginning of your life, it makes you curious.
So I was first seeking the wrong way. So I was seeking through other people to fill the void. When I realized that didn't work, then I said, I have to figure out how to make love work. My company's called love works. Right? And like, I got to figure out how to make love work. I got to fill myself up with this love thing.
I have to figure out what it really means to me. And be loved. And so the thing with my mom saying, I love you. I'd gone to a seminar called landmark education. I think it was landmark education. And, um, you know, they like make, you do a lot of stuff with your family. And so that was a big moment for me of just telling her I love her and cause she never said it.
And she literally said to me, Now she does. I'm 36 now. So 10, you know, now she'll say I love you. I think having a grandchild also kind of helped her open up and she cause she loves my son so much, but it was a moment for me where I had to say it and she didn't say it back. And I'm saying that because. I think it's an important topic in terms of like love.
Like sometimes you gotta risk and you gotta do it for you and you can't expect the other person to reciprocate, but you're taking that action. And me saying that to her unlocked a lot of stuff for me, but I'm a love coach. Not because it went swimmingly for me. I'm a love coach. You better damn believe I suffered.
If you're suffering, I get it. I can cry with you. Cause I did those things too. I just put in a lot of time and energy into figuring out how to make it. Now. It's so interesting because culturally, my parents are Palestinian and also they didn't tell me that they loved me very much growing up, but that's because in the Arabic culture, you don't say love unless it's romantic.
And so for them, it was like inappropriate to say that, especially my father to tell me that he loved me, but I always knew that he loved me through the actions that he took. Like he was a very loving guy, so I didn't really feel like he didn't love me, but I used to, I used to also feel strange and be like, well, why don't my parents tell me that they love me, everybody.
Everybody says, I love you. That I know. And my parents don't say that to me, but oftentimes it's cultural differences too. I didn't know that about the Arabic culture. See, that's like fascinating. To learn that information. I mean, love means so many different things in so many different cultures, but I think it's like, I don't know.
I think also just people for a long time, we're not realizing the impact that they had on their children. There's been this vibe for a long time of I'm just feeding. I'm just taking care of you, but I think we're waking up as a culture to what are really, truly the emotional needs of children. I probably go the opposite end of the spectrum.
You guys, I probably give my child too much love and then we'll see what happens when you do that. I think it's just like our parents didn't know for most people listening, your parents just didn't know what a kid truly needed and they did their best. And now my job and every single client I've ever worked with that.
Thousands of people. We always look at the childhood and there's always stuff there that has to be shifted in order to really open, up to better love. Yeah. Can you give us some examples of that? Like what are some common things that people face in their childhood and then how do you fix that when you're older?
Okay. So the most common ones is the abandonment. So my parent wasn't there or they were there, but I just didn't get their time. I didn't get their attention, but a lot of times, I mean, You know, like some of the work I do is it's fun. It's dating, it's sexy, but a lot of it is also deep wounding people. And so I can't tell you how many clients have had where their father, usually the father, sometimes the mother actually left and that creates such a deep wound of like, why did they leave?
And the child always makes it their fault. So if there's any pain, trauma leaving, the child always makes it their fault. They think they did this because of me. So when we have abandonment in childhood, we seek out. We subconsciously seek out partners who are going to activate that wound over and over again.
That's when you attract the unavailable people. And I will say, I tell people if you attract unavailable men or women all the time, it is like a drug addiction. It really is because what happens. We get addicted. Oh my back. I want to pull them in. They're pulling back. I want to pull them in. They're pulling back and it's like a chemical high and you get on this rush of, let me try and find that person.
So the subconscious mind says if I get somebody who's unavailable to choose me, it'll heal everything. I went through a childhood. Of course, that doesn't work, but that's, it's like an addiction. So that's. Another one is people feeling today, like they're not lovable. Like they have to be perfect. Like they can't rebuild their vulnerabilities because parents inadvertently created a model of.
Not unconditional love, conditional love. So if you were outspoken, but your parents kind of slapped you on the hand, not truly, but metaphorically. No, that's wrong. Then we do that in relationships. So whatever your parents told you was not good about you by their lens. We tend to project that and think people aren't going to love me and romantic relationships because of this quality, right.
Whatever was unrecognized. So if people. Oh, my God. I just like, for me, I felt ignored. Sometimes I felt unseen. I felt, I didn't matter that creates this kind of need to feel like you matter to romantic partners. So you'll be obsessive. I used to not be able to sleep if a guiding texts me like truly, honestly, I would not.
We were having this conversation. Back then. And a guy was having texted me that I wouldn't be thinking about you. I literally in back of my mind would be like, did he text me? Did he text me? Did he text me? Because I needed that. So there are so many different patterns, but I would say abandonment needing to be perfect in order to find love.
There's just something wrong with me. I'm just unworthy. Those are the themes that I see happening over and over again. And they can create real problems in your love life. That's so interesting. I can't wait to dig into some of that. I've got some questions around some of those, uh, you know, situations that you mentioned, but first I want to talk about your career journey.
So you actually started in PR and you had a great career in PR and. You had this awakening, you know, you went to a seminar and some 24 year old raised their hand and they said they were going to be life coach. And you said, well, I can be a life coach too. Like, that's what I want to do too. And, and it did turn a light bulb on.
So what made you switch into. Life coaching. How did that evolve into love coaching? And why did you decide to leave, leave PR? Well, you know, it's funny because I do PR like every single day of my life now, and I find it there's so much value in it. So I feel like it came full circle, but at the time I didn't like working in an office.
I just, I wasn't, it was also like really not, you know, for practical bod there, like some similar products I had to represent, it was like, here's this beauty brand. That's not really that great. In any particular way, can you get it on the cover of this magazine or that, you know, and like with PR I have a PR person, so I know this, I felt like it was a thankless job in the sense that you can get somebody on.
I got client on the cover of Elle magazine, even that their product wasn't like it wasn't exceptional. And, but it's like, what's next? What's next? I do this to my own PR person, like, okay, what's next? You got me on Katie LA what's next? You got me on a USA today. What's next? And so that, that just, I guess it was too activating for me probably.
That constant needing to like, what's next. So I didn't like that about it, but more than that, I didn't like working in an office. I didn't like feeling confined. I was like, I don't want to have to tell people when I have to go to the doctor, like, so I would sit at my desk and I would say, what do I want to do?
Like when I had any downtime at work, what do I want to do? I write in the journal, what I'm meant to do? What do I want to do? Please give me the answers. Please give me the guidance. I just speaking out loud to the universe. Then I went to a separate. And that girl spoke up and it literally was like one of those defining moments for me because it's like, oh, she's doing this.
I can do it too. I'm young, she's young. She wants to do it. I can do it too. So I started looking up life coaching schools. And so I just kind of did the research at that time. What was really getting popular was this idea of location independence. I don't know if you remember this holla, but remember what everybody wanted to be a laptop entrepreneur.
I'm talking about 10, 11 years ago. Like this big thing. And I found all these bloggers who were like living the laptop lifestyle and they're having businesses in Thailand, but they're, you know, so I've got interested in that. I started feeding my mind with those possibilities. And then what happened was I got a little bit of money.
I mean, to me it felt like a lot of money at the time I got, and so when I got this money, I got a check for a decent amount of money and I said, okay, now you have some capital. If you're not going to do it now, when are you going to. So I quit. I went to Bali, I went to Spain, I traveled a little bit and I said, I'm going to take this course at NYU.
And I was going to, I took, I signed up for life coaching. I also signed up for nonfiction writing, interestingly enough. And I was going to do both because I'm also a writer, but the class conflicted and I chose life coaching. I didn't know, like I was like, well, let me just take one class. And I'll see, that was really my attitude at the time.
But then when I got to class, it was like this light bulb went off again where I was like, oh, I can do this. Like, I always felt like, kind of like a misfit because I didn't fit in with the cold corporate culture. And I'm like sitting here, like, are these people pretending? And I'd be in business meetings and I wouldn't be paying attention.
I'd be looking at the personal data. Oh, like, what is this person really thinking? Oh, it's interesting how this person is sitting. Like, that's what I was always focused on. So like I did the live coaching and I was like, I can do this. So I got certified. And then as part of that, you have to get pro bono clients.
So I went, I got pro bono clients from, I went to Gabby Bernstein's in-person talks back in the day and I was so terrified and I asked people like, do you want to be my pro bono client? And she had a message board at the time. And so that's what. And every single person I'm not kidding you. All they wanted to talk about was love.
Like it was kind of freaky. I'm like, don't you care about anything else? And they're like crying about, I want a soulmate. They can't have this person. So it kind of like came my way, but then I also was in a relationship at the time and I thought it was a soulmate relationship. And I wanted to give people self-love like, when I wanted to put my shingle out there, I was like, I want to be a self-love coach, you know?
But it, you know, there's also branding and marketing that came together, but I thought I was in this great relationship. People were coming to me for this thing. I want people to have self-love. So all those aspects kind of came together and became, you're not going to do a love coaching. Isn't it? Yeah, I love that.
And something that I love about your journey is that you did kind of mix PR with the love coach stuff, because you are a coach for celebrities and you probably are able to contact these people through your PR experiences. It's something that I talk about all the time on young and profiting podcasts, this skill stacking skill, developing a skill stack.
And so you layered on PR skills on top of professional life coaching skills and your own personal experiences with love. And now you're this unique package who's like this amazing, successful love coach for the celebrity is, and for the stars. And so it's, it's so cool how people can just like layer on their experiences and then be the perfect fit for this special needs.
Job that you've created for yourself. Yeah, it's not a waste. And I really do like news PR every single day. And it helped me because, you know, when you're doing PR you have to create pitches and you have to like, even if I'm like, sometimes I'll DM a celebrity, I'm not, you know, damn someone, you know, damn a slab.
Like I think people think if you still have to like, reach out and do all that stuff, and maybe I'll get to the point where everybody in the world's reaching out to me and it's like, I'm Jennifer, Edison's personal love coach, like fine. But you know, You still have to reach out. So you mean, if I'm reaching out to somebody I'm still thinking about, and what am I going to say?
What's the pitch. What's the angle. I think about that stuff all the time. All that I have a publicist, but people don't realize like all the PR and stuff, it'll be like, here's the opportunity. I have to write the pitch. I have to figure out the unique angle. So they pick it up, you know, and then I have to be a great PR professional.
So they keep featuring me. So it is cool how, the things that I did and learn, I was like, oh, whatever. At one point, I was like, why didn't I go to school for PR? Like, what was the point of that? Like, I didn't see how it was going to come back around. I will say this though, when I was a little peon, publicity assistant, like bottom of the rung.
And I was having to like, just do all this stuff for other people. I remember thinking like Nicole, one day you're going to do something. I don't know what it is. And you're going to have a PR person representing you. So I had the vision, but I just didn't know where it was going. Be. Yeah. And you probably also saw all these successful people that also gave you inspiration to be that type of a person.
So I love that. I love when things come full circle, that's how I feel about my life and my whole journey. Nothing's a waste you every failure, you kind of just stack up those skills and then you're ready for your big opportunity. When it finally comes to fruition. Kudos to you there. So when you had this love coaching business, you actually were in a relationship, you alluded to it previously and it turned out that guy was not your soulmate.
He was a cheater, he was a liar and he was a narcissist. So help us understand how we can tell when someone is a narcissist and maybe how you got out of an over that relationship. Yeah. So a narcissist, I will say one important thing to look at is what is the internal state that you are in when you attract that person?
Because if I'm honest, when I was, you know, and I was already in coaching people, like I, you know, I, someone had it together, but there was still this piece of me that was like insecure looking for validate. There is still an emptiness inside. So we always talk about the qualities of the narcissist, but you also have to look at what are your qualities inside because narcissist prey on people who this is my theory, they prey on people who are really great and have a lot of light, but they're not realizing it yet.
They're not fully realizing who they are yet. And so that inconsistency within you creates a little nook where the narcissist can fit right in. And then you think that they're so great. So when I met this person, All of the places where I felt like maybe insecure, not good enough. I projected onto them as if they were so great.
And I'm like, oh, it probably what this person that I must be so great. But I will say the signs of a narcissist are you want to look for when they do something that's hurtful and you let them know, do they turn it around on you and make it your fault? So craziness, like I talk about this where I'm like was with my ex and I'm like, oh, why are there these condoms here that were not being used for us?
Right. Oh, and who is your crazy Nicole? You're making this up. So like turning things around on you not having empathy is a sign of a narcissist. Yes, yes, yes. The gaslighting. So narcissists will come on strong at the beginning. Like when I was with this person, I remember getting. If every man had a woman like you and Nicole, this role will be a better place.
Like what woman isn't going to be like that. So in the beginning, they give you all this love and attention. You think you're getting the love that you've always wanted, but then they turn and they start criticizing you and they turn everything against you because they have to make you feel bad in order for themselves to feel good.
So it's like, it can be really sneaky. I talk about this, like their comments, like. You weren't born with a good head of hair, Nicole, this is not my real hairy guy. So don't think about this hair. You know what I mean? But like, so I'm, I'm Cuban, I'm black, I'm Italian. So I have like, you know, kinky. You weren't born with a good head of hair.
Nicole. I showed my picture. I showed your picture to my guy friends. And they said you were a four, like a four on the scale of attractiveness for between one to 10, which is not good. Why would you tell somebody that? So, you know, you're lucky that I'm with you because nobody else would want to be with you.
So. They give you a lot of love in the beginning, but then they beat you down systematically to the point where you feel very isolated, very dependent on them. You're doubting your worth and you're believing their words. So it's like, I'm giving you love, but nobody else will. What do you do when you're in a situation like that?
Right. If you're beaten down already enough, you start to believe that. Do you feel like your truth is being shut down if your intuition is screaming, but they're telling you something else and they're screaming at you and it seems like they're right. Like those are all mourning signs, lack of empathy, lack of ability to take responsibility for anything.
I need to like this grandiosity, this need to always be seen in a favorable light to the point where they can't see anything negative about themselves lying, cheating, most cheaters lie. I mean, cheaters aren't necessarily narcissist, but if somebody is cheating, they're also lying the two come together.
So, you know, if somebody doesn't have an issue with lying to you or they make it your fault, what my. You're the reason that I cheated Nicole, it was because of you because you didn't do XYZ enough. Like that's how a narcissist talks. And if you don't let here's the thing at the time, did I say, oh my God, he's so wrong.
No, it hit me in the places where I was feeling insecure from my childhood. Oh, it must be me. I must be wrong. I must be the reason I can't get enough love in this relationship. So it was a big learning opportunity for me for. Man. That's some serious stuff right there. And I think there's a lot of narcissists out there.
Both men and women can be narcissist. What are some other personality types that we need to look out for? I saw some real that you put up where you had to list it out. So many of them tell us about. Okay, so you want to watch out for love avoidance. So, uh, this is not, these are not my terms by the way. So love avoidant, anxious, attachment style, secure attachment style, not my terms.
Just have to say that I learned about it in a book on attachment. Um, it's called attached. I can't remember the author, but it's called attached and there's, it's white with the heart on the cover. And. Anxious people. That's the time I was. What, like, if he's not calling me back, I think he's shooting up me.
Right? There's a lot of anxious people. 90% of my clients are anxious attachment style. When they fear that love is going away from them, they become anxious. They try and grasp, they try and pull, they try and manipulate the try and say the right thing. They'll send 20 texts, you know? They're always feeling anxious and they need reassurance secure attachment.
Obviously that's kind of obvious. So secure attachment person, they expect to receive love. They are able to give love, like there's not a lot of drama. Love avoidant has a deep seated fear of love. So when they come closer to somebody that they love, and this is my framing on it, what a love of boy, when it comes closer to somebody that they really love, it's like everything inside of them.
It's not safe. They're going to hurt you. They're going to do XYZ. And so they pull away. So a love avoidant really is a bad person to be in relationship with unless you're able to tolerate them coming and going, pushing, and pulling and all of that drama, because I feel bad for the little avoidance in a way, because there's so much fear.
They really need help, you know, to get over it. So avoid the love avoidance because you cannot change that. Like people need to understand. Love is not enough. To get somebody to commit love is not enough to have a great relationship. Somebody could love you with every single fiber of their being, but if they have their own fears, if they associate love equals I'm going to be obliterated, but I'm going to be disciplined.
This is like happening on a subconscious level, but a lot of guys have this, right. I think like if they fall in line, There something's going to happen and their power's going to go away. And that woman is going to take all the power from them. Like a lot of guys think that if you're listening right now, you might be nodding your head at me.
If you're a guy. Those people will only change as my personal opinion. They will only change when life smacks them in the face enough, or they have enough pain to realize I don't want this anymore. It's like George Clooney at some point, I'm not saying he's loving, loyal, but at some point he really. I don't want the bachelor lifestyle anymore.
Right? He was in his fifties, something has to happen in life to make these people wake up and realize they want love. It's not going to be you. It's not going to be you. So that's one type, you know, the other type that's really hard for people is, you know, the broken bird. If you're dating somebody and they need your light, they need you to prop them up.
The, you know, I'm not going to be okay without you. I don't know what I would do without you. That's not romantic. That is codependent. Those kinds of people are typically a drain on your energy. Especially if you are a successful driven person, you cannot afford to be dragging somebody along with you. So what you really have to look forward when you're dating or in your relationship.
If I left this person. And what about my Merry way? What they brought on their own? Would they, would they progress or would they be stuck in the same place? You want somebody that wouldn't be walking and growing, you know, on their own. You don't want people who are blaming you also don't want people who are liars.
You don't want people who are cheating. I mean, people have different points of view on the cheating and if she stay or if you should go for me, the cheating again is the lying issue. That, that whole thing is really a big issue. So I say, if you can avoid it, avoid being with those kinds of people. What I want people to know is you don't have to take a whole bunch of pain in order to have a love relationship in your life.
Like it's not required. We think it is because the dynamic we had as a kid, again, as these are my. These are the ones who love me. And I have to take all of their S H I T. Right. That's how it is. It's good. But as I've been dealt, you do not have to do that. So then my question for you is. Let's say we're in a relationship and our partner is one of those things that you just mentioned, a narcissist, a broken bird, love, avoidant, whatever it may be.
At what point do we walk away? Or like, at what point do we decide, like let's go to couples therapy or let's see love coach Nicole Moore, you know, like at what point do you know that it's time to walk away? Well, I think everybody needs a love coach and that's part of my mission, like, and what I'm here to do, because trust me, I see behind the scenes of everyone's love lives, and I see behind the scenes of various successful people's love lives.
And I know what's going on behind the scenes. Everyone needs a love coach, but a narcissist is in my opinion, beyond help beyond repair. Like that is somebody you want to run away from. It is very hard to run away from them. So I remember you. Earlier what happened me? Go away. This is my theory. Everyone has a snapping point.
We don't know where that snapping point is. If you're with somebody who, an abuser or a narcissist, it's so individual to you and it doesn't make sense to anyone else, did I leave? When that person cheated on me? Yeah. Actually broke up with him the first time he cheated and I laughed and I was online. I chose me and I was on that tip and then he came back and then he professed, oh, I was a sex addict.
I'm sorry. Oh, this or that. And I got hooked back in. So, and I didn't leave after the cheating again, I didn't leave after the abuse and ended up there, there was some physical stuff I left. Um, he left me on new year's Eve. Like I was, I don't rock up, but then I was kind of still in tangled with him and what he was going to see me on new year's Eve.
I ditched my friends. I was going to, I had plans with my girlfriend. And like a psycho. I said, let me hang out with my ex maybe not ask who's cheated on me multiple times on new year's Eve. And I was sitting there and I get a text like at eight or nine, something like that. Like he, you know, styling all day.
I don't think I should come over because you know, we're just gonna fight. That's not me because it made me think. This person doesn't even love me if he's just letting me be alone on two years now, why did he do that? Because I was in BC at the time and I was staying part time at a guide friend's house.
And that was the thing that was really kind of triggering him, you know? So it was all like a revenge kind of thing, but for some reason it wasn't the cheating, it wasn't the lying, it wasn't the verbal abuse. It was that that snapped me and I could feel it. I felt it snapped the attachment, the attachment I had to him.
And I remember just thinking. I was just like, I was crying, you know, but I'm like, I'm done. There's no love here. And so people who are in who are chasing the unavailable guy who were dating the married guy, her with the narcissist, they stay because they think they're, they're twisted perception of love.
And that's not a judgment because I had it too thinks this is love and I need. And so everybody has a snapping point. I try and get women to that snapping point quicker, you know, like I'm like, Hey, look at all these bad things he's doing, but I know you just have to snap. So if you can push yourself there quicker, all the better, because these people will not change.
They will steal a lot of your light. They will make you feel really bad about yourself. And there's a recovery process that needs to happen after you're with someone like this. So it's kind of like, you're delaying your healing the whole time. You're staying with them. You know, everybody has to snap on their own point in time for.
Okay, well, you just mentioned recovery process. So what would you say is the steps that somebody should take male or female once they have a breakup? Like how do you get over that? Yeah, and I do a podcast on the five steps to heal from abusive narcissist. So that was like, I talk about all of that. But in terms of just a regular breakup.
So like step one is you have to feel all the pain. So when I had my breakup of my narcissist, I played this Kelly Clarkson song addicted. I put it on, repeat on Spotify. So I play like 20 times over in a loop because that was the emotion I'm addicted to you. Like the song meant something to me. I put that on in the morning and I would cry.
I would move my body. I would get the emotion out. Like you have to release the emotion. You have to get it out of your body. You have to let yourself cry. You have to let yourself. Upset. But then after that step two is you really have to sit there and look at what are all the ways this person has failed to love me.
What didn't they give me that I needed? How are the ways they hurt me? So you create an emotional stack of all the bad things. They did cheat. Why? When we have a breakup, this is what. We have a moment of pain and I'm alone and what's going to happen in my love life and I'm never going to find love and that feels really bad.
And so the mindsets, it felt better. The good times with this person felt better. So let me go over there. So we compare our crappy. Feeling to the good times we have with this person. Even if they're a site bill, we compare it to the good times. And we say the good times with them felt better than this.
And I can't handle this. So let me go back with them. You need to not do that. Okay. You need to emotionally stack the negatives of that person. So you feel an aversion to them. So look at that list of the bad things they did. Remember that. Your mind has been to try and get you away from the pain. And so it's going to fantasize about that, that person, and you have to stop that process after you do that, then you want to look at well, what do I really want and need create the picture?
What if you could have somebody who had the good things with your ex, because we're never with an avoidant or an abuser or a narcissist, because they're entirely horrible. There are good things about them. There's a connection. We see the good in them. We see the potential. So the good qualities from your ex, I want you to write those down on a piece of paper, and then I want you to write down next to it.
Well, what were the things that were missing that you needed and start to envision them feel? Well, what if I could have this person, all the, all the positives minus the negatives, plus the things that I didn't have that I need. And you kind of have to start to attune yourself, but then you have to ask yourself, okay, why don't I believe I can have this kind of person, what limiting beliefs do I have about love?
What do I need to change within myself to feel competent enough to receive that person? So when I talk about love and always talking about what I call love, alignment, this idea. Your mindset and your heart and the energy that you're projecting, that creates what you're attracting in your love life. So you want to look at those pieces and then shift it.
So focus on the Goodyear attracting don't focus on the X, because it's likely that you're not going to get back with them, or if you do, it'll be a repeat of the same kind of relationship over and over. Wow. So many value bombs that you just shared. That was such great, actionable advice. I absolutely love it.
So I have a personal question to ask you, and I, wasn't going to ask this and I just figured, you know what, I have the number one love coach on the line. I'm just going to ask it. So I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years, a long time. So since I was a kid, I feel like, you know, and since he was a kid and we we've been together a long time.
Yeah. He doesn't believe in marriage. So what are your thoughts on somebody who does not believe in marriage? He, he goes back and forth. It's like one year he's like, yeah, we're going to get married. Like, and then the next year, it's like I told you, we're never getting married. I, I don't ever want to get married.
So what are your thoughts there? Like, is it possible to have a great relationship and not get mad? It is, but not if it's what you want. I will say this. Okay. I really believe in energy at the end of the day and you have to kind of go through it. So when I got this ring on my finger, I was never like obsessed with marriage, by the way.
Like, but when I got this ring on my finger, I felt the freaking energy change. It was like the freakiest thing. Whoa. It's kinda like when you have a kid or this is my experience when I had a kid who was like, oh my God, there's this whole life parent universe. I've just been blissfully unaware of, you know?
And it's like, I don't know how to explain it. It's like a whole new level of energy opened up and all of a sudden I'm on the parent wavelength and it's like, wow. So there is a wave. Of engaged. There was a wavelength of Mary. I really do think it makes an energetic difference, but some people don't want to get married.
And that's fine. I'm not saying you can't have a great relationship. But there is something to this marriage thing there, you know, so many things that are old school have truth in it. Like the vows that they say no for some sickness, not that everything is truth, but if you think about the traditional marriage vows, what it's saying is I'm going to be with you.
I'm not going to try and get out. Through all of these things. And when you're married, there's more of a sense of that because it's like, it's, you know, it's a serious thing. Versus when you're in a relationship, when you're just in a relationship, you two are the people holding each other together. When you're in a marriage, there's also a container.
If that makes sense, holding the two of you together. It is a personal choice, but I will say if you want it, then there's a reason for that. Now, people who say they don't believe in marriage, what they're really saying is I have seen negative experiences of marriage. And I don't believe that if I get married, it's going to be what I want.
People who say they don't believe in marriage. Lack the ability to imagine and envision a marriage that would work for them. A lot of people do this. If I get married, they think a bunch of things are gonna happen, right? The people do this with kids or whatever, right. They think automatically if we get married, we're going to fight all the time and hate each other because that's what my parents did.
If we get married, there's going to be no passion because that's what happens. Uh, my brother, you know, or whatever. So what's likely happening is your boyfriend has all these ideas in his head about marriage is this. And so he's pushing against it and he's not realizing marriage is a creation. It's literally, you can create whatever kind of marriage you want, but you have to be down.
But I would say what you need to recognize is what is your timeline? If you know that marriage is something that you want in your life, you've got to get clear. You don't have to certainly have to communicate it to him. You might at some point, how long am I willing to wait for this person to see if he changes his mind?
So if it were me, I would say. I have a conversation with him and say, listen, I respect that you say you don't want to get married. And I would never try and push you into that. Why aren't you saying that we're disarming him, right? We're not, we don't want to push up, push up against him cause there's some fear there.
And I would say, I'm curious though, I'm wondering when you say, I don't believe in marriage, I'm wondering if there's a negative connotation of what you're really saying is I'm afraid of these things happening. And I would love to hear, like, if we get married, what are you afraid is going to happen?
Because all that's happening is. If we get married, I'm going to not have what I want. That's it. I'm not going to have what I want. That's what he believes. So you need to know that you need to have a conversation with them about that. What do you think you're not going to have? What do you think you're not going to feel?
What do you think you're not going to get? What do you think you're going to miss out on? Because you're seeing it as yay. I'm going to get more and he's seeing it somehow. I'm going to get less and you guys need to come together on that and create a vision where both of you are feeling. If we say yes to marriage, we get more good.
We get more good feelings. We get more of what we want. That's great advice. So let's go do your marriage. So you're happily married now, and your husband actually helps you in your coaching business and it turns out you guys met on Tinder. Is that true? Wow. So most people think of Tinder as like, and since I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years, I have no experience.
Any of those apps? I always tell my friends, like when they ask for dating advice, I'm like, I don't know. I haven't dated since I was like 20, like whatever I haven't dated since I was a teenager. So like talk to me about Tinder. And if you think that's a good viable option for people to find their soulmate.
Yeah. I mean, I think I can find the people anywhere. It's just, you have to, you have to be focused and you have to look. People don't like online dating because they don't like seeing a bunch of people that they. That's it right? Like we just don't like it, but it's like, okay, if you go to a buffet and you're a vegetarian and you see chicken, you're not freaking out.
You're just looking for the vegetables. You know what I mean? You're just like people, when they go online, they're like, oh my God. All these people that I don't want. All these girls are crap. All these guys are crap. I'm never going to find love. They just project all of their limiting beliefs onto the platform.
As if it's the platform. What I'd say is online, dating in particular is a great way to figure out what your limiting beliefs actually. Perfect profile. See what you get, see what you think and feel about it because that's all in you. It's all in you. Are there bad experiences that happen online? Yes. Are there a bunch of crappy people online?
Yes, but there's also a bunch of really great people online. And it depends on your focus and your intention. So when I was dating, before I opened the app, I was telling myself, Nicole, you're the woman who only attracts the highest quality commitment, ready, man, online. You are this. I created that identity for myself.
Did I sometimes attract in guys who weren't that? Yeah, but I didn't give it a lot of emotional abuse. People give the wrong people too much emotional attention when they're online dating, and then they feel horrible and then they close the app and then they say it didn't work for me. So you got to kind of do a lot of cleanup if you're going to do the whole dating thing.
See how the world has changed. How are you going to date now if it's not online, you know? So we should really be saying, hello, frickin Luhya. Instead of saying, this doesn't work for me, but like, you know, your profile matters. All of that stuff matters. I was super focused. I was super intentional. I didn't let the bad ones get me down.
I just swiped and I tried not to put too much negative emotion into the whole thing. Well, that's great that you, you know, you met your future husband, uh, or is he your husband? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. Congratulations. Okay. So we're in COVID like we just mentioned, everyone's dating on zoom. A lot of these first dates are happening on zoom.
So what's your advice there in terms of making a good impression on zoom, making a connection on zoom and being flirty and attractive on zoom. What's your, what's your recommendation there? Okay, good. You know, like when we go on a video, we'd have our lights, you know, Here's the thing right now. I think if you can get on the zoom call and be a real person and create an emotional connection, that's what matters most.
So the worst thing you can do is ha ha. How's your day, right? That's so boring. Get on with energy. People want people with energy. I'm not saying be a fake person, but you, when you're on video and people who are in front of camera know this, you have to project your energy. Cause if I were to just do this in the real, like I'm just talking like, say my assistant walked in.
Hey Al, could you get me your much a latte? That's I'd have to say, Hey Al, can you get me a matcha latte? Like you have to, you have to kind of project your energy on a zoom call. So you want to imagine that the person in front of you, you're trying to get them to feel your energy. You're trying to feel their energy, but talk about things that really matter.
Talk about the best things in your life. Talk about experiences that have bulk emotion. That's what keeps us interested. Nobody cares about the weather. The most beautiful snow happened today. And it reminded you of this time when you were five, when your mother did this one thing and it sparked the idea for your book and you know what I mean?
Like that's what I care. Not because it's snowing that night. And then how about body language or like facial expressions? Is there something that we should be doing in particular on zoom and then how about in person Joe Cross? Okay. Because that's going to communicate the wrong message. Okay. So confidence is.
Shoulder you're. If I walk, I do the shoulders back and your head is up on your pre you're revealing. So you want to be revealing this, this part. So don't be crunched on yourself. Don't be like this ladies, if you can, if you're showing her chest her neck. Yeah. I'm not saying you have to have cleavage, but it's literally like, I'm exposing myself to you.
Don't wear a turtleneck, unless that's your thing. And you happen to look exceptional in turtlenecks and as part of your personal style, you know, but if it's a guy, I was. Women really like it when a guy makes an effort. So don't come on with a rumpled hoodie, like make it special. Like men need to understand.
I hate to say this, but women's standards are typically so horrifically low. They're so disappointed that men sometimes don't have to do that much. If you show up, it will be a great thing for a guy to do have a single. And show her, I got this rose for you, but you know what I mean? It's like, Hey, I know we're meeting on zoom for the first time, but I wanted to give you this rose what?
Girl's not going to smile when they have that. So anything you can do to bring a little bit of a special touch, you know what I mean? If you're like a comedian, for example, in your picture, on zoom, before you get on, you could make your picture a joke for her week. There's little things you could do that.
Stand out and nobody wants to get on a boring zoom. Paul. So think about that. What could I do to display my personality and stand out a little bit more and at the very least have that energy and be excited, even if you never want to talk to this person again. And how about like eye contact? They say that eyes are the windows to the soul.
So like, what's your advice in terms of like having. Eye contact that really connects with someone definitely 100% so we can have dead eyes. And then that's a very normal, like when we're just looking at a computer tap dead eyes, or we can imagine that we have a little bit of life. So if I tell you for example, like, just imagine like don't even flirt, but just imagine that you're flirting, but don't move your body and like do it through your.
Crinkle your eyes a little bit smart looking dumb uniform guy. So like, you can, we can do this. Right. You just did it right now. Or, or just in your mind, like think of a sexy moment that you had, like that stands out. Like we all have those moments, right? Like maybe it's not somebody we were aware of or I don't, you know what I mean?
When I was like, Ooh, I remember. Let your eyes have energy and excitement practices in front of the mirror. Just look and see how, if you're just looking like I'm just looking, there's not enough energy, but if you just kind of set the awareness and the intention, then you have a little bit more energy.
Definitely smile when you're on zoom. Definitely think energy, energy, energy. Yes. Love that. And then how about in person or on zoom? Like, are there certain colors that we should be wearing on our bodies or certain things we should be saying in our head when we're talking to people to kind of like exude just like attractiveness and good energy.
Yeah. So if it's somebody that you want, you always want to be thinking in your head, like, I know you want me, or I'm the most attractive woman on the planet or I'm the, I'm the most amazing man. And I know you nail it. You know, like I really think that, like I always told the story. My was my husband's first Tinder day after he was, he got divorced.
He took a year. I was his first Tinder date. And he told me that, and I said, I feel bad for you. Cause it all goes downhill from here. Like, I really honestly believe that I'm not even kidding you. I was like, I'm the best, but, but am I the best? A lot of people better than me, but I just, I was always thinking about my qualities and what I brought to the table.
So I really felt that way. So people love that confident by so you want to be thinking. I'm the best woman on the planet. I'm the best man on the planet. Of course you want me? I know you want me, but at a practical level, When we're in our heads and we're analyzing our energies contracted, it's tight, it's not as attractive.
So if you're finding yourself in that way, take some deep breaths, feel the energy in your feet, bring it all the way up through your body. Like connect more to your body than your thoughts that are going to feel you more like even on a day. I always recommend that like really feel the energy in your body because the more we're like thinking in our head, it just, it's a disconnect in the.
I love that. I think that's so important because like you said, whatever you're thinking inside is what you project on the outside. So if you're thinking, oh, I'm never going to get a man, I need to get a man. And he like, or I'm never going to get this woman. I'm never going to find a relationship. That person is going to be like, oh my gosh, this person's like not dateable or they're going to find something wrong with you because first of all, you're not engaged because you're thinking all these negative thoughts and seconds.
They can probably read it on your face and your body language that you're uncomfortable. You're insecure. You're not confident. And nobody wants that in a partner. They want confidence. So if you're boosting yourself up, it's the truth. You know, how you feel on the inside is what you project on the outside.
I was just saying that before, whenever I feel, I think I was saying it to you whenever I feel the prettiest. It's when I feel the best inside. And then I look at myself on camera on the days where I just had a great day and I'm like, wow, it looks so pretty. And then the days. Stressed out in a bad mood, something bad happened.
I'm like, whoa, I look like shit that day. Like literally, because it's just like, what I feel inside is what projects outside. Yeah. And this is one people also should be drinking a lot of water. This is just a side note, but like, I feel like people who don't drink a lot of water and they don't take care of themselves, if you could tell in their energy and it gets contracted, like, I feel like so many people have a really contracted energy.
That's not attractive and they're not really realizing it. Like, it's like sounds so basic, but you need enough water for the cells to be flowing in your body for you to not be all contracted. So that's like one thing that you can do before you get on the zoom call, like make sure you're hydrated, put a little moisturizer on, you know, you can hear a guy just so the energy is flying in your mind.
Yeah. And you have something called love water. Right? I, I read that and I was like, love water. Can you tell us about what love water? Yeah. So basically, um, what's his name? I can't remember his name, but there's a guy that studied molecules and water and he realized that if you talk into a glass of water and you say, I hate you, then the molecules look really bad and like dirty.
If you talk into the water, you say, I love you. Then the molecules look really pretty. So the idea is that water holds energy and emotions. So you can do this. You can talk into your coffee or water. You can say. I love you love beauty power, whatever it is, you literally imagine you're speaking that intention into the water.
And then when you're drinking it, the wire will literally, this is scientific. It will have a different vibration. So every cell of the water is going to go into every cell of your body. And you've kind of spoken beautiful words over it and impact. I love that. That's beautiful. A lot of people are going to be like, ah, that's a bunch of bullshit, but yeah, I remember he was in the secret.
I remember that guy. They, they, um, it's not John Asaph, right? I don't remember. Well, it's like, I I'm going to, I can't remember, but I know there's a book about it and it's actually scientific. And if you think about it, it's like people do this with plants too. Like there are studies with plants. If you talk to the plant and negative way, and remember if you talk to a child in a really negative way, they're going to feel a certain way.
It makes sense. Moral of the story is that energy matters. And the words that you say matter, and the thoughts that you think matter, right? And all of that will be projected on your outside and your vibration and your frequency is what's attracting other people into your life. And if you have a good frequency and a high frequency and a fast frequency, you're going to attract those types of positive people in your life.
And if you're slow, sluggish, dehydrated, like you said, you're going to attract sluggish. Insecure unconfident people in your life. So it just, what vibration do you want to have? So totally agree there. Let's talk about COVID again. So divorce rates are skyrocketing. There's some mixed information out there.
Some people say it's skyrocketing. Some people say it's decreasing. So I don't know. What's true. I've noticed myself a lot of people that I know have been getting divorced. And in my immediate circle, I've been noticing a lot of breakups in divorce. So in your opinion, what's changed since COVID happened.
Like why are people starting to break up more frequently if you believe that? Yeah. I certainly seems that way. When you look on social media, right? Like I've saw that. So I'm like, oh my God, like everyone's denouncing announcing that they're getting divorced. It's pressure cooker. Right. So obviously if somebody who's getting divorced in 2020 or 2021, it's not like a, it's been building likely for awhile a long time, but then there was a pressure cooker.
So being inside, I mean, there was. Fear, right. There's people are still in fear, but anytime there's an outside situation, that brings a lot of fear and a lot of pressure. Sometimes it can happen with people losing their jobs, you know, or people are afraid for their health that it stresses what was already there.
So the foundation was cracked and there were issues and they want to address and cool. Then it becomes even worse. But the other thing that happened is people when you're facing on a certain level, everybody has been facing life-threatening illness. Even if we never contracted. COVID just hearing all the stories of people on the ventilators.
It does something to your system. It creates this perception that there is a. And that you could not be okay. You know? And so, and, and the election is so much stuff was happening. So it kind of made people, a lot of people say, what do I want in life? And wake up and say, is this really what I want? So I think some of those divorces that are happening are just people realizing like either we've grown apart or this isn't working for me anymore.
And there's this desire to really have life when you're faced with. Either crack or you say, well, I've got what I want now. Like I survive this, so let me go. I don't know if it's more than normal or maybe people just announced it more. I don't know what was happening there. I don't know the statistics, but I do know as a pressure cooker for sure.
But then there's also other stories of people who got together during Colbert or their relationship was trying your grandfather. Did you know? So we don't hear about those as much. People also didn't want to post positive stuff. Like a lot of people are afraid, right? If they're doing great or their relationship is great, they don't want to post because they don't want to be tone deaf or they don't want people to be mad at them and say, Hey, I'm struggling.
Why are you posting. Okay. So I guess the last question I'm going to ask you before we start to wrap up the show is. We discussed it's COVID where people are breaking up any tips in terms of having a thriving relationship when we're on top of each other, working from home and, and, you know, probably fighting a lot more with our spouse.
Any tips to succeed during this time period? Yes. So number one, lower your expectations in the sense. Like you got to give people a break right now. You really have to give people a break right now because everyone is stressed. So lower expectations of if that person's having a bad day or having a bad day, I'm not saying let bad behavior slide, but do not expect perfection.
Number two though is communicate. You know, it's so funny, like even in. People could be going through stuff and they could be feeling a certain way, but they're on their phone and they're not communicating with their partner like that. A lot of people don't communicate with their partner. So having time set aside where you talk about what's going on, you share your feelings, you get real because that's going to bring you closer.
And then the third thing is. You have to find little pockets of time. Like for example, I had been on this app called club house all freaking week, but I talked about it with my husband and he I'm like, I'm sorry. I know I'm not spending as much time with you right now. I, you know, and we had that conversation about it and he's like, okay, now I get it.
I explained to him what it was. He's not on social media. I explained to him what it was and I told him about. And so there's, he's giving me understanding right now. I know you're going to be on this a lot, but then this morning I said, Hey, can you pick a movie for us? Let's do a movie night tonight. I won't be on it, you know, tonight, because I understand I have to put a little bit of time and attention there.
So you're in a relationship, pay attention to your partner. Think about what they're needing, understand that they're probably going through more stress than you realize at the moment. Just like you are sort of really be conscious and aware of that. How can I brighten their day? How can I do something to make them smile?
Even if it's just like a little thing, those moments will go really far. Right. I love that. And the last question I ask all my guests is what is your secret to profiting in life? I mean, I think my energy helps me, but I have belief. I go for it, you know, like I, I make it happen. You know, it was love coaching.
And then I'm like, I want to coach the leper B isn't. I, I went after that, you know, I made it happen. I believed I cleared, I have other dreams that are, you know, feel bigger than where I'm at right now. And I believe that I can, and I see these things as inevitable. Not that I don't have doubts or sometimes feel not good enough or like, ah, like I have that.
But I will go forward. Anyway. I think that's the biggest thing. Like I throw myself in the fire all the time. If I'm scared, I still do it. I do so many things where I'm like, I don't know if I could do this, but I'm just going to try. I'm just going to do it. So I don't let fear of not being good enough fear of, I don't let the fear stop me.
I just move forward anyway. And I think that's the biggest thing. I love that. And where can our listeners go to learn more about you and everything that you do? Yeah. So you can go to love, works method.com, which is my website. You can find me on Instagram. I love Instagram. Find me there. DME there. It's at Nicole Moore.
Love that's M O O R E. My last name Moore Nicole Moore. Love. You can find me on YouTube at Nicole motor lab. I have a podcast. It's called love works with Nicole Moore. That's an, all the places that podcasts are just basically all over the internet. Nicole, more love type it in. You'll see me. I love hearing from people.
I love when people get on my free content and they messaged me saying this changed my life, or I, you know, like I love hearing those stories. So combined. Awesome. Well, Nicole, it was such a pleasure. Thank you so much for coming on young and profiting podcast. Thanks for listening to young and profiting podcast.
I hope you enjoyed this episode with Nicole Moore and that her career journey and love advice will inspire you to be confident and never settle for less. I loved her tips on how to make a connection on zoom. And how to get over a bad breakup. She really knows her stuff when it comes to finding love.
And speaking of love, if you loved this episode on young and profiting podcasts, and you're interested to learn more about powerful women, never compromising their dreams or aspirations, I recommend checking out episode number 94, lean out women power in the workplace with Marissa, or here's the clip from that episode, women like me were the ones that struggled, because if you think about it, If you have a set of adjectives that describe a stereotypical woman, mature, you know, communal and collaborative and kind and caring, whatever.
And then you have the male version, which are more aggressive and desire for dominance and all that. What profile is more likely to get to the top of a large corporation? Well, the male profile. So the question I pose in the book is, you know, why is it okay to discriminate against the stereotypical female profile?
But if we discriminate against the woman that violates it, it's a national crisis. And there's research a lot of research that shows that. Traits like being agreeable like that sort of more aligned with the female stereotype, our liability in the corporate world. Like I said, if you want to learn more about how women can fight to never settle for less and follow their dreams, check out number 94, lean out women power and the workplace with Marissa.
And to all my male listeners out there, please know that I always strive to make yap podcast relevant to all genders, ages and professions. So no matter what topic we cover, you can be assured that there's value there for you too. If you haven't subscribed to young and profiting podcasts. Please take a moment to do so.
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