#134: Learn to Love Yourself with Marisa Peer [Part 2]

[00:00:00] Hala Taha: There is some things in life that I like to pick out myself. So I know I've got the one that's best for me, like my mattress, my shoes, and even my wine. Some things are worth deciding just yourself. What if you could do the same thing for hiring that's where ZipRecruiter's invite to apply comes in. It lets you pick out your favorites from the best candidates.

[00:00:21] How does it work? ZipRecruiter sends you qualified candidates and you can easily invite your top choices to apply. In fact people rave about ZipRecruiter's invite to apply feature because it has a much higher follow-through rate. See for yourself. Go to ziprecruiter.com/yap. To try ZipRecruiter for free that's ziprecruiter.com/yap.

[00:00:46] You're listening to YAP Young And Profiting Podcast, a place where you can listen, learn, and profit. Welcome to the show. I'm your host, Hala Taha. And on Young And Profiting Podcast, we [00:01:00] investigate a new topic each week and interview some of the brightest minds in the world. My goal is to turn their wisdom into actionable advice that you can use in your everyday life.

[00:01:10] No matter your age, profession, or industry there's no fluff on this podcast and that's on purpose. I'm here to uncover value from my guests by doing the proper research and asking the right questions. If you're new to the show, we've chatted with the likes of ex FBI agents, real estate moguls, self-made billionaire, CEO's and best-selling authors.

[00:01:32] Our subject matter ranges from enhancing productivity, how to gain, influence the art of entrepreneurship and more, if you're smart and like to continually improve yourself. Hit the subscribe button because you'll love it here at Young And Profiting Podcast.

[00:01:48] Welcome to the second and final episode of our two part series featuring Marisa Peer. Marisa, is a therapist, bestselling author and keynote speaker.

[00:01:58] Her mission is to spread the message [00:02:00] that there are simple, rapid and effective techniques. Everyone can use to change your life. She is the bestselling author of five books and the starter of the iconic I Am Enough movement in part one, Marissa talked about how she often felt emotionally neglected when she was a child.

[00:02:17] And how her upbringing led her to the statement of, I am not enough as she got older Marisa, realized that she could change her mindset by talking differently to herself after all the most important words out there are your own words. If you missed our conversation in part one, make sure you go back and give that a listen before you continue on to part two.

[00:02:37] Now in this part of the series, we'll touch on the difference between arrogance and confidence and how to celebrate your strengths with others. Marisa teaches us how to take on a new perspective to our problems using her three PS, which will help us alleviate unnecessary self doubt. Then we'll learn about the birth of Marisa's radical.

[00:02:54] I Am Enough movement and how once we change our thoughts, we can change our life. [00:03:00] If you want to join us on our journey to self-belief keep on listening.

[00:03:06] I think what you're saying is brilliant. And I want to, of course I studied for this interview and as I was listening to some of your rules and guidance, when it comes to speaking to yourself, there were some rules that I wrote down.

[00:03:18] So being super repetitive, making sure you're in the present tense. Using really exciting and descriptive words when it comes to our statements of truth. So could you talk to us about the right way and the wrong way that we should do this? Because I want to make sure that people have the knowledge to actually implement this in their lives.

[00:03:38] Marisa Peer: I think I created license 20 to 26 rules of your mind. You can find them on YouTube because you see where all told this lie. The mind is so complicated. It's incredibly complex. It takes a lifetime to understand your mind. No, it doesn't the mind isn't complex. It's actually incredibly simple. It does what it thinks you want it to do.

[00:03:58] So when you [00:04:00] understand the rules of your mind, you could put them into practice on here's a rule that we should all remember. Every word you speak is a blueprint that your mind, body and psyche worked to make real. So how do you understand the mind? Very simply the mind only works in the present tense, just like a kid going it doesn't understand what tomorrow is.

[00:04:21] You can't say to the mind next year, I'll be a millionaire next year. I'll have a beach body next year. I'll find love because the mind doesn't know what next year is. So you have to make yesterday. Today, I'm becoming super lovable right now. I'm becoming wealthy right now. I'm becoming successful. I am successful.

[00:04:44] So it must be in the present tense. That's really important. And secondly your words must make a clear picture. I'm okay. I'm not bad. Life is good. That's not dynamic. I am magnetically [00:05:00] lovable. I go out in the world and I have this magnetic lovable. I attract people that love me and I love them. So the words must be really exciting and very descriptive.

[00:05:12] It's not enough to go. I'm okay. I'm not bad. And it's definitely not good to go. I'm not fat. I'm not insecure. I'm not nervous because the mind only picks up words that make a picture. I don't eat cake. I don't want cake. I'm not interested in. Is making you think about cake. I'm not nervous in front of clients.

[00:05:38] I'm not scared of selling. I'm not anxious about presenting. You're picking out the words, nervous and anxious. So you have to flip that around and go. I am a phenomenal salad. I get amazing presentations. When I speak at work, everyone understands what I'm saying. They like me. They listened to [00:06:00] me. I ask questions, I answer them.

[00:06:02] My boss loves me then noticing the power of me. So present tense, really exciting words. Descriptive words, your worst must be relevant up to date and descriptive and per words. And I'm fricking awesome. I'm powerfully good at speaking, I'm amazingly magnetically lovable. Make it exciting, dramatic, dynamic. In the present tense and the reason I emphasize that, I see so many people who go, yeah I now tells her I'm not scared.

[00:06:38] I'm not scared of speaking. I'm no longer going red and blushing and stuttering over words. You have to do the opposite. I speak clearly. I pronounce words easily. I breathe, correctly. You might, energy level is phenomenal. And, it's not hard to [00:07:00] dialogue with your mind when you understand the rules, it must be in the present tense.

[00:07:04] It must make a picture. It must excite and turn on your mind. And once you get that, it becomes easy and it must be repetitive. The mind learns by repetition and make what is unfamiliar familiar. So if it's unfamiliar to believe in yourself, make it familiar because here's a rule of the mind laughs.

[00:07:28] What is familiar and would like to run back to what's familiar and run away from what is unfamiliar. That's a fact. But here's another fact you can make anything you like familiar. And if you make believing in yourself and growing your self-esteem familiar in your making, not believing in yourself unfamiliar, and it doesn't take long a tour to make self-belief familiar.

[00:07:54] Just praise yourself. There is nothing on the planet that will grow your self-esteem, like [00:08:00] self praise actually grows yourself esteem in any way. If I say someone or you'll say, great, I love you. You're amazing. I may have an agenda. I may want something from them, but when I say it to myself, there's no agenda except growing self-esteem and self-esteem means over what I think.

[00:08:18] If I say I hold you in the highest esteem to what I think of you, but self-esteem. It's what you think of you and you can grow that it's not arrogance. It's not being big headed. It's that kind of quiet assurance that radiates on the mics. I literally think, oh, I feel great in your company. There's just something about you.

[00:08:39] So like yourself, like other people grow your self esteem, it will make you so much happier and it will make you a healthier, better person.

[00:08:50] Hala Taha: Something that you just said sparked my interest. And that's when somebody gives you a compliment, what's the right way and the wrong way to treat a compliment so that we can [00:09:00] expand our minds instead of contracted.

[00:09:03] Marisa Peer: And I'm glad you asked that because here's the thing we want to expand. We want to expand out, the mind you have an incredible potential and you have no idea. What your potential is because your potential expands and as you meet it expands more and more. When your mind expands when new dimension, it never goes back.

[00:09:22] So imagine someone says, oh, I love that talk you gave, and you went, oh, it was terrible. Didn't you notice? I said the word wrong. I stumbled. I went over the time. I've got bright red. Now you're diminishing it. If someone gave you a gift, you would accept it. So when someone praises you. Say, thank you. Someone says to me, Hey, I love your book.

[00:09:45] I say, thank you so much. I wrote it for that reason. I never go, oh, actually, really wasn't very good. And it has some terrible reviews and it's not actually doing that. Do not diminish praise. When someone praise you say [00:10:00] thank you. And even better, once you got used to saying, thank you, add to it.

[00:10:05] I love your jacket ago. I've had it for 10 years. Got it in target. It's got a wholeness. In fact, I love it too. It's my favorite. It's my favorite color. So the first thing is do not reject praise when I go to Spain a lot. And I notice when the way to comes up and I say, they're going to nodded. Don't mention it again.

[00:10:25] No, mention it. When someone says, thank you, accept it. So the first thing is accepted. The second thing is I had to go I'm so glad. One of, one of my clients was a movie director, so I love your movies. It was terrible. I said really even got great reviews. No, it was all because I won an Oscar. There were no good nominations, but your secondary or even worse nominations that, oh, you're somebody who can't let him praise.

[00:10:52] I want you to say when I go, I love your, maybe thank you so much. I loved making that movie. This was somebody who was [00:11:00] suicidal, who could not let him praise. And although it sounds almost too good to be true, making him say, thank you. I love making movies. It gives me pleasure. Gives other people. Pleasure is important.

[00:11:12] The second thing is, if someone comes up and goes, Hey, I loved your talk drinker. I love yours too, because now you're getting it back. Say thank you so much. Let it in. And maybe after five or 10 minutes, go by the way. I also happen to love your talk. If someone says, I love your shoes, I love your's. That sounds normal, but no, because you're giving it back.

[00:11:34] You want to expand and not contract when you are expanding. And someone says. I love your business. I love the products you make. I love somebody. I love your hair. Don't go. Oh no, my hair. I haven't washed it for a week because now you're contracting. And also when you go, yeah, I love your hair. You're also contracting expand.

[00:11:59] When someone says, I [00:12:00] hear you're an amazing seven and you go not really. It was just a fluke as a much better than me in our company, but he was sick that week. You're contracting. Okay. Expand into greatness by seeing praise as a gift. You wouldn't go, oh, I don't want that gift. Let me give it back.

[00:12:16] Thank you so much. Is the first step and then add to it. Yeah. I love selling I'm. Yeah, apparently I'm really good at it. Cause I really like it. And don't say but you're so good at selling. That's how you expand and not contract. We all want to keep expanding and praise yourself, but also praise other people.

[00:12:38] When I'm in a store, I love saying to the checkout person, oh, I love your voice. Or your nails are really nice where you smell lovely or thank you so much. I love going around the world, praising people saying you did a great job or. Oh, S your kid is saying love. You're a great parent because it builds people up, but there's no point in doing that if you're not also [00:13:00] doing it to yourself.

[00:13:01] So praise will boost your self-esteem and criticism or whether it, so let him praise yourself, and don't let in criticism.

[00:13:12] Hala Taha: I love that. Would you say that, any chance that somebody can be overconfident because there's a whole movement now where people want to be humble. And I'm somebody who's very confident.

[00:13:26] I've been studying law of attraction for a long time. And so I feel no problems appraise myself and accept compliments, but then sometimes I think people take it as arrogance. So how do we make sure that we don't come across as arrogant? And can we be overconfident?

[00:13:43] Marisa Peer: When you see arrogance is trying to convince someone else.

[00:13:47] I'm amazing me. I'm better than you. I'm smarter. I got a better education than you. I got more than you see if this was a little seesaw. This is where we start off. But in an arrogant [00:14:00] person believes that actually, this is you. This is then the arrogant person sees life like that. And they have to diminish you.

[00:14:08] And elevate themselves for that time, but they really want that to happen. So an arrogant person is not confident, competent, and people don't brag that I go, Hey, I've got more money than you. My job's better than yours. My car is better than you as a confident person. Isn't a brag and then not to show off, they often they just have that confidence themselves.

[00:14:29] So I'm okay at this. And so our events is just the other end of the scale of insecurity. I'm in secure, and I need you to make me feel better. I'm in secure. So I'm going to brag and show off and convince you that I'm amazing because I didn't really think I am, but right in the middle of, of the arrogant insecure is what I call honoring your self, telling you some, but you don't walk around going.

[00:14:57] I'm great, man. Amazing. You just [00:15:00] at home or in your heads. I'm okay, I'm doing a great job. I've got something to offer the world. I loved it. When Snoop Dogg said I'm going to pray con congratulate myself here. I have worked really hard. So what I'm thanking everyone is why don't I thank myself. And I thought that wasn't arrogance and I've seen many other people.

[00:15:21] When we were giving certificates at my last RTT training in London, I've got one coming up in Berlin. Very soon, but when people were coming up to get their certificate as an RTT hers, again, oh thing, this teachers, the students, we won't go. So I want to thank myself because I have worked so hard. I've saved up.

[00:15:39] I've worked hard. I've given this everything, I've got and I've got this qualifications and I know thank myself. And I loved that. That wasn't arrogant. You did it in such a lovely way. You can't be overconfident. That's that fake it till you make it because real confidence isn't fake. It's saying. Oh, you're having a problem with your [00:16:00] can.

[00:16:00] I'm waiting to go to computers. I can fix it. Oh, you got a headache. I'm really good at massaging pressure points and I could help you. Oh, you're having problems. Let me help you. This is my gift. I'm good at this, but no, one's good at everything. So confidence is not showing off. It's that? Quiet.

[00:16:20] Self-assurance many years ago, my previous partner had cancer and he went to see his own oncologist and he came back and he said he's going to do his best. And I knew that those very words, when I said, let me take you to the best prostate cancer doctors. I don't want to see him. I said, no, he's just going to see him.

[00:16:39] And he said, I happen to be the best prostate cancer doctor in Europe. And. I'm going to make you better. You're going to live. He said, oh, the other guy said he was going to try. I said no, we don't try. We do. Under my hand, this is a walk in the park or remove it. You're going to be great. Your life will be normal.

[00:16:58] You're going to live until you're [00:17:00] 92. Was that arrogance. He said it in such a nice way. If you go to the school and they go our gift is to take your kid and to give you back in a couple of years of really rounded person, smart, confident, outgoing, happy and oh yeah. That's so arrogant. I think I'll find a different teacher who says we do the best we can, there's no guarantees who wants to go to a doctor who says I do the best, who knows?

[00:17:25] It's a lottery here dealing with your illness. When people say I have an ability. To heal, you help you. So they said, now, if I said to somebody might washing machines leaking, can you fix it? I'm like, oh yes, we're the best washing machine fixtures in LA. And we can be there in an hour. I don't want someone who's going to try, but who knows?

[00:17:49] So confidence is that reassurance in who you are and what you have to offer, but also recognizing the other people who are good at things. There's many [00:18:00] things I can't do. I love giving jobs. I have a girl who works with me called Rosie, who is the most amazing writer, much better than me. And I give her all our writing jobs cause she's that.

[00:18:11] So she's extraordinary. So a confident person doesn't go, I'm going to everything they know. That's not my gift. I'm not really good at even Nigella Lawson is a, made an amazing cook said don't really good at playing with children. I like cooking, but never being good at that. When people say I'm good at everything that's arrogance.

[00:18:33] When they say my guest is X and someone else's gift is why like my husband is amazing at marketing. I'm not interested in where he's amazing at cooking. And he loves wandering and shops, looking at food and different spices. I'm not interested in that at all, but I love that. That's his gift is certainly not mine, but you're only supposed to have one.

[00:18:55] So confident people do you have a degree of humility [00:19:00] as well? And they also celebrate other people's wins, natural leaders. They. They celebrate everyone else's wins. They make people feel part of a team. And so if someone is arrogant, I can promise you that is not a confident person at all.

[00:19:18] Hala Taha: This episode of YAP is brought to you by ZipRecruiter, according to Forbes, Jim's mom and pop stores, and more are set to go on an epic hiring spree to meet the pent up demand for all these services.

[00:19:30] I don't know about you, but I'm so bored of my home workouts. I'm really excited to get back to my gym classes, and feel the energy of a group workout again. I miss it so much that old saying you don't know what you've got till it's gone. It's so true. I'm so ready to get back to the spa comedy shows, concerts, the movies.

[00:19:48] I feel like a social butterfly. That's finally got her wings back, but all these businesses reopening means that millions of jobs are going to need to be. So where do these businesses turn to fill all these roles? [00:20:00] Fast? ZipRecruiter's technology finds qualified candidates for your open roles and proactively presents them to you.

[00:20:06] You can easily review recommended candidates and invite your top choices tool apply, which encourages them to apply faster. ZipRecruiter's technology is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter, get a quality candidate within the first day. Right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address ziprecruiter.com/yap that's ziprecruiter.com/yap ZipRecruiter. The smartest way to hire.

[00:20:35] This episode of YAP is brought to you by Gusto. If you're a small business owner, you got to listen up, running a business is super hard. We all know that there's endless to do lists employees to take care of and your ever present bottom line.

[00:20:49] So first of all, give yourself a pat on the back for staying on top of this. Gusto, wasn't just built for small businesses. It was built for the people behind them. Their online [00:21:00] payroll is so easy to use. They can automatically calculate paychecks and file all your payroll taxes, which means you have more time to run your business.

[00:21:09] Plus Gusto does way more than just payroll. They can help with time-tracking, health insurance, 401ks onboarding, commuter benefits, offer letters, access to HR experts. You get the idea it's super easy to set up and get started. And if you're moving from another provider, they can help transfer all your data for you.

[00:21:27] At YAP media, we're gearing up to start our HR benefits on Gusto and transitioned payroll on there as well. And this was the plan even before they sponsored the podcast. After I did my due diligence and research, I chose Gusto because they provide payroll benefits, onboarding and HR in one place for an affordable price for a budget that suits my growing startup.

[00:21:49] It's no surprise that 94% of customers are likely to recommend Gusto and that they've been trusted by over a hundred thousand businesses, just like yours. Gusto really cares about [00:22:00] small businesses. They have a support team that's super attentive and helpful. And since money can be tight right now, you can even get three months free.

[00:22:07] Once you run your first payroll, just go to gusto.com/YAP and start setting up your business today. You'll see what I mean. When I say, Hey, it's really easy. Again, that's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/YAP.

[00:22:23] So I wanted to get into a quick fire segment. I know that you have some dangerous habits that you talk about, which could lead us to lose our success.

[00:22:32] So I was thinking I could rattle off a dangerous habit and then you could give us some advice to counteract that dangerous habit. So dangerous habit. Number one, waiting for perfection.

[00:22:45] Marisa Peer: Yeah. And waiting perfectionist, you've entered a race. Here's the. Here's the finishing line. And as you run towards it, it moves and it moves.

[00:22:53] And when you enter a race to be perfect, you can never even complete it. There is no perfect nature. Doesn't allow

[00:23:00] that stop trying to be perfect. You can certainly perfect. Your. But I could say as a speaker, I'm always learning as a writer. I'm always learning. We are in it's like that. Can I constant and never ending improvement, but don't try to be perfect.

[00:23:17] People who try to be perfect are the unhappiest, but they're also the loneliest, because guess what? We had like perfect people. They seem to shine so bright that we feel somewhat inadequate in their light. So please don't try to be perfect. Just be you. There's no prize of being perfect. It's a lonely world when you're perfect, because we're all flawed.

[00:23:40] We're all in perfect, and actually our imperfections make us very enduring. We go, I love the fact that I love it, that my partner's got a little tummy cause I can have one too. I love the fact that my mom isn't perfect. I don't have to be, but I love the fact that my father left my mother because when I wanted to leave college, I [00:24:00] could go there and go, Hey dad, I know you want me to stay, but you know how you had to leave my mom.

[00:24:04] No matter what, that's how I thought about leaving college. I have to leave. And I was so glad I had a flawed parent because it allowed me to be flawed myself. So rather than trying to be perfect, celebrate your flaws, it makes you human. And that's a wonderful thing.

[00:24:23] Hala Taha: Okay. Dangerous habit. Number two, doubting yourself.

[00:24:28] Marisa Peer: It's okay. To doubt said, let's imagine you're going to be a speaker when you go I need to learn. So I need to learn when I was first given a tech tool guy was the open up at 10 and they said, you must, finish in 18 minutes. So 15, you must be finished in 18. So I had to practice that, but I got to get really used to this speech.

[00:24:47] So it starts and ends in 18 minutes. And I hadn't done that before, and it was very good for me to time it and get it just, so if a little. Self-doubt makes you think, Hey, I'm going to go for this job. [00:25:00] I need to learn more about okay. But the negative is I'm going to give a presentation. I know I'm going to mess it up.

[00:25:06] I know I'm going to go bright red again, out of my mouth. Go and sound like an idiot. Don't do that. Say things like I've got this. I can do it. This is amazing. Many years ago, I just literally had a baby a week before and I was going to do this television show and I'd recorded everything to just say helmet, cassette tape.

[00:25:25] That's how long ago it was. And I got in the car. And I pressed rewind and I drove there and I suddenly thought, oh my God, I forgot to play it. I was, this was the range I thought you know what, that's a sign. I don't need it. If I didn't play it back, I guess I didn't need it. It's going to be just great.

[00:25:42] So when you say what this is going to be great, I may not be prepared, but it's okay. I can do this. I've got this. This has got my name all over it. I want it. I love it. I've chosen. And I've chosen to do a greater, but I find the magic words are, I want

[00:26:00] this, I want it. I've chosen it. I love it. Love it.

[00:26:03] That will smash out self-doubt for you. And that's a wonderful thing.

[00:26:08] Hala Taha: I love that. Dangerous bad habit. Number three, procrastinating and self-sabotaging.

[00:26:15] Marisa Peer: Well, I see people all the time. I've been a therapist for 30 years. I created RTT. We've trained 10,000 therapists all over the world and you'd be amazed and who come in with self doubt and self sabotage.

[00:26:28] And that is nothing more than the fear of rejection. In the most profound fear is rejection. If you reject me, I'd die. And actually it wasn't that long ago that was true. We had to live in a tribe. So if you are a self-sabotage, if you procrastinate say I'm doing this because I'm scared of rejection.

[00:26:48] If I don't do the work, if I don't write that presentation, But it will come. My website will weekend and put it off and then it never gets bill. Then when [00:27:00] my business was like you know why? Because I never built that website. If I sabotage myself it's to stop myself feeling that I'm not. And all of those habits stem from the real fear of rejection, but here's the truth.

[00:27:14] The only person who can reject you is you. So you could get a cam writing a book. It might fail. I don't know, but I'm giving it everything I've got. And if it doesn't get bigger, no one, at least I wrote it. I did everything. That's better than saying. I could have written a book I should have done, but I never did.

[00:27:31] Or I started never finished. So procrastination and self sabotage really nothing more than a fear of being rejected. The only person who has the real power to reject you, is you I've had manuscripts sent back many times as so J. K. Rowling, but you just pick it up and send it back again until someone accepts it.

[00:27:55] And if they never do you go I tried that. It wasn't meant to be. And then I moved on to [00:28:00] something else. So you can stop sabotage by the way you talk to yourself, you can stop procrastination almost immediately by giving a woman. I've chosen to give it my all. That's what I've chosen. Because when you say that your mind goes, oh you do have a choice and you're choosing to give a oh, but when you go I'm dreading it.

[00:28:21] It's so boring writing. I hate spending all my weekends, putting together my business. You might go, you know what? I think there's a sock drawer that needs really sorting out here because you're telling you that. I didn't want to do this. So when you go, I want it. I want it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

[00:28:40] Even when it's not through becomes true. So that is the magic word for sabotage. I want it, I love it. I've chosen. I chose to feel great about it and I'm on it right now.

[00:28:52] Hala Taha: I think that's great. This one is really important, especially in the day of social media. So dangerous habit. Number four, [00:29:00] comparing ourselves to others.

[00:29:01] Marisa Peer: We have this whole thing, which I find so sad. We decide we are something to do with the numbers, the weight on the scales, that the number in my clothes, the number in my bank at the number of my birth certificate and the number. I say, how many followers are there? How many likes have I got?

[00:29:20] And we're now judging ourselves by numbers. You are not a number you want, know your years, your way, your shape, your size. You are not, your followers. Do not allow yourself to believe that matters what matters. It's the other people in your life who love you, our happiest moments that always our interactions with others and interactions on social media are very nice, but they're not real.

[00:29:46] I can say that having people who are so lovely to me on social media or say, oh, I love you. Somebody said to me, once, you're the only person in my whole world that says something nice to me every day. And I love that, but that was a shame

[00:30:00] that person didn't have somebody. In the flesh who did that, but maybe by hearing me say it, she could believe she was worthy and go out and fight.

[00:30:10] Real flesh and burn people to do that too. So don't allow yourself a leads that you are the number of your followers. That is real, that the social media world is not real. It is quite fate. You may have a thousand followers when you have the flu, are they turning up with chicken soup and some orange juice?

[00:30:31] I don't think so. So don't be diluted. It's great to have it. I've got lots of followers. They're lovely. I love having them. They make me feel great about myself, but I also understand that if I have a bad day, it's my husband, my daughter, my sister, my wonderful friends, or turning up to say, let's say when I was sick, my, it was my friends who turned up in hospital to boost me up.

[00:30:56] We go to rarely realize it. It's real people that you can [00:31:00] hug and hold hands where then I sometimes take on parents. You say, yeah. I read my daughter a story every night on zoom. I'm like, no, you need to be there. I said, okay, if you're traveling, but every night, That's not quality time. You can't.

[00:31:15] If someone said, Hey, we'll have a date on zoom. You go that's not the same. I don't want to date on zoom. And if you wouldn't date on zoom, don't believe you can pair it on zoom. It's in addition to, it's not, instead of, and social media friends should be in addition to never, instead of real friends and social media dating, that's just to get you to the part where you meet.

[00:31:39] If you never meet, that's not dating at all.

[00:31:42] Hala Taha: 100%. Okay. Let's do one more for dangerous habits. Overwhelming ourselves.

[00:31:49] Marisa Peer: Yeah. I was able to look, you are a human being, not a human being. And I have pets and I sleep a lot. They have a bit of activity spend ages doing [00:32:00] absolutely nothing. Laying in the sun, having a wonderful life.

[00:32:03] I've spent a lot of time with tribes who do the same. They hunt, they, they cook, they content gather, but they spend a lot of time sitting around the fire to. Just being, and you're supposed to be and not do. And I think we've got this whole thing about I'm busy. I'm so busy. That makes me important. I'm busy.

[00:32:21] You're actually like a battery and a battery must be recharged. And I think we should all go, Hey, I'm lying on the sofa now. And I'm recharging the battery into work. I've given a lot and I'm going to come home and do nothing. And there's no guilt cause I'm recharging. If I just kept charging my phone for five minutes here and there, it would keep dying.

[00:32:44] I use that site and then I even I give it a breast. I give myself a rest and I recharge it and I recharge myself. So when you're feeling overwhelmed, because you've taken on too much, Don't feel guilty about doing nothing. Don't [00:33:00] believe that you must be busy, but if you don't have any choice, but have on too much, cause you're a parent with a career and maybe you're learning something new as well, decided, say, okay, I've got this too will pass.

[00:33:12] I can write a bit, raise a family, go to college. Even work out. It's a lot, but I'm just doing this for now. This is not my life. It's just my life for this next year. So when you are in overwhelm, you can say, this is how I am today. This is not my life. This is just my week or even my weekend, or maybe this day overwhelm is a K.

[00:33:37] If you get it into perspective and. I can do this for now, but it's not forever. I can go to college and I am going to be studying for three years and it's a lot, but that this too will pass. So overwhelm really get to where I was, where I called PPP personal, pervasive, and permanent. [00:34:00] And that really means that you think, oh, it's me.

[00:34:02] I can't cope. It's here all the time. And it's always going to be here all the time. If it's not permanent or pervasive means going all the time. If it's not permanent. It's not, you can deal with overwhelm. So see it is temporary and do everything you can to lessen it. And don't be perfect. Hey, I could make a perfect dinner, but I can also just make this and I could try to make my presentation, perfect.

[00:34:30] I can go, it's good enough right now, overwhelmed. Is this needing to be perfect. You're not supposed to be perfect. You're supposed to be a flawed human. Having flawed relationships with flawed humans, it's the best you can ever be. It's great. So overwhelm comes from, drive to be perfect.

[00:34:49] And that drive is a lane that will take you to on happiness, sadness and loneliness to get out of that lane and get into the flawed lane. There's great company [00:35:00] there, and you'll be much, much happier.

[00:35:02] Hala Taha: Really glad you brought up those three piece. Cause I was hoping that you are going to cover it and I'd love for you.

[00:35:07] Repeat that because I want my listeners to really understand that any problem is not really a problem. If it doesn't fit in one of these three PS and it will help them reframe and live a happier life. So if you could just stress that a bit

[00:35:21] Marisa Peer: Imagine you go to. Or a very difficult client or indeed, a very difficult teenager.

[00:35:28] And we go, this is ruining my life. It's killing me for it to get you. It has to have three pages. It has to be personal, but it's not personal. You're all teenagers tell their mothers. They're awful. Your boss is horrible to everyone. It's not personal. Is it all pervasive? Not really. When you're at home having wonderful sex or having a nice dinner.

[00:35:48] Is your boss in your house making you feel bad? No. Is it permanent, no? One day your boss will retire. You will leave. Your difficult kid will leave on. You wish they were back in your house. So [00:36:00] it, if something isn't permanent, isn't all pervasive. Meaning it's going on all the time, 24 hours a day. And it isn't personal.

[00:36:10] Then it will hurt you less. So it's just a good way of looking at whatever's going on in your life. I've got all this work. It's killing me. That's not permanent. You'll get through that work. And then you can say, I'm not ever going to take on that work living. I'm going to learn to say no. So that's not permanent.

[00:36:27] It's not personal because the work isn't personal and it's not all pervasive. You still get to sleep. And he was say to me, no, I ate all day. I'm out of control. I nonstop. I say really? Even when you were in the toilet or no, not what I'm in the toilet. Do you sleep? Do you eat when you're sleeping? No, I don't eat when I'm sleeping.

[00:36:45] So you're not really an out of control, train wreck, eating 24 hours a day. Like you just said, my legs are the size of a house, really because you're in my house and you wouldn't have got through the door. If your legs were the size of a house. So I just get people to really pay [00:37:00] attention to their language and to stop putting themselves down big yourself up, be nice to yourself and realize that most of our problems are not permanent.

[00:37:13] Not personal. And guess what else? There's someone else's fantasy dream of someone on the Google. I'd love to. No problem. I'd give anything to have a husband with bad breath, a kid that left pants on the floor. I would love a baby that kept me up when I'd love to have that chance of giving a Ted talk. I'd love to be in the traffic on the freeway, going to a job that pays the bills.

[00:37:36] So the PPPs are good, but also to realize that your problem. It's someone else's fantasy. Dream country. And also, what would you have given for your problem? 10 years ago? 10 years ago, loved love to have had a kid that kept you up a partner that challenged you a job that stretched you into something, that's actually good because it means you're growing

[00:38:00] and as a person, and that's always a good thing.

[00:38:03] Hala Taha: Thank you for digging deep around that. Okay. As we close out, I heard you say many times that we should tell ourselves that we are enough and you're very famous for movement. I Am Enough. So talk to us. Why is that phrase so important and why is that so much of the crux of the things that you teach?

[00:38:22] Marisa Peer: The common denominator of all of our issues.

[00:38:25] I can say having been a therapist for so many years, all my adult life, the common denominator of all our issues is I'm not enough. I've worked with thousands and thousands of addicts, drug addicts, alcoholics, people are addicted to food or self-harm, I've never met one who ever been. They were enough.

[00:38:44] When you think you're not enough, you need more. If I'm not enough, I need more cake, more alcohol, more drugs will shopping. I need, I'm very needy. I need you to praise me because I'm not enough. But if I just take them out and go, I am

[00:39:00] enough. Then I don't need something else to fill me up. And so the not enoughness is an epidemic, that's got worse and worse because we feel we're judged by again, what we look like, how many followers we've got, are we doing something worthy?

[00:39:16] And the not enoughness society's really done a number on us. It's made women feel they've got to be supermodels, moms feel gotta be perfect, men feel they've got to be earning a lot with a six pack. And I think the media, magazines, and it's like when I used to watch Friends who knows a waitress that lives in central park.

[00:39:38] That was a great show, but that's just creating the waitresses. Don't live in central park. We, this is just not real, but we look at someone with a baby, just had a baby. Who's perfect. We look at people like the Kardashians. Oh my God. But that's not real. And so when you compare yourself, you feel not enough.

[00:39:58] And the transition from I'm not [00:40:00] enough, to I'm enough is amazing. Cause here's the thing. Imagine you start your day with, I am not enough. That's a thought. But that thought makes you feel inadequate makes you feel sad, might make you feel angry. So you have a thought, you have a feeling and then you have an action.

[00:40:16] The action you have from I'm not enough is often no action. I'm not going to take a risk. I'm not going to ask for that pay rise, or ask that person out. So your thoughts, create your feelings, create actions and your behaviors, and you justify them again. What was, I didn't take a risk because I'm not.

[00:40:32] Take away the knot. I am enough. Now you think. That's the whole lot of different feelings. I feel able to take risks. I feel good about myself. I feel worthy. I can ask someone out or ask for a pay rise, and now my behaviors change and my actions change. And I justify that because I'm enough. So thoughts create feelings, create behaviors, create actions.

[00:40:57] And they justified by going back to [00:41:00] the thought change, the thought it changes your entire life. And that's why I created the, I Am Enough movement. And it's an amazing movement. Cause people say I just began to say that. And I was stunned by how it changed my life. I'd been depressed for years or anxious, or I started to say it and in no time at all, I met someone I'm now married.

[00:41:22] I managed to have a baby. Yeah. Pay rise. I got the job of my dreams is a game changer knowing you're enough. And if you want help, join theI Am Enough. Live, engage on iamenough.com. We give away all these bracelets, it's I'm in, now. If I have it on Christians on fridges, I have it everywhere because it's not a word.

[00:41:44] It's a statement I let in. Tell yourself you're enough. Go to iamenough.com promise you. I guarantee it will actually change your life.

[00:41:54] Hala Taha: I love that. And the last question I ask, all my guests on Young and Profiting is what is your [00:42:00] secret to profiting in life?

[00:42:02] Marisa Peer: We know I've got a new book coming out in October and it's called Tell Yourself A Better Lie.

[00:42:07] And I guess that's one of my secrets. I realized that all my clients tell themselves lies. My job is killing me. This commute is killing me. My bum is the size of Los Angeles. I'm falling apart here. This is a lie. If you are prepared to lie to yourself, tell yourself a better, I'm smart and amazing. I'm lovable.

[00:42:28] I matter. I've got something I'm a good person. I'm significant. So I think. And yeah, we all lie to ourselves. Oh, my life is a mess. I'm a hot mess. I'm a train wreck. It's just about understanding that your mind let sit in. So I think what stood me in various. I said is telling myself things that will probably see in his life starting off as an insecure kid who was asked to leave college and then saying, I am [00:43:00] smart.

[00:43:00] I matter, I am lovable and I'm worthy of a loving relationship. I'm worthy of someone adoring me. I'm worthy of earning a lot of money. That was a lie. When I said it became true, I have an amazing marriage. I wouldn't have even my life now. I couldn't have imagined that life when I was 17 or even 28, I couldn't have imagined having two homes and the life we have the love, we have the impact we make on people.

[00:43:29] And that's all because I began to tell myself a better lie than the first lie, which is, I don't matter. I'm a geek. I'm stupid. I can't even have a baby. That was the first lie, but I told myself a better lie. And it's an amazing thing.

[00:43:45] Hala Taha: That's awesome. Tell yourself a better lie. Where can our listeners go to find more about you and everything that you do? Marisa.

[00:43:52] Marisa Peer: If you go to the marisapeer.com, we've got tons of free audios. We don't ask for your credit card. We have audios on [00:44:00] wealth wiring love, wiring health, wiring, money blocks, love blocks. They're all free. If you would like to train in RTT and do what I do. And there's no background in therapy required.

[00:44:11] Go to rtt.com. So rtt.com, if you want to find a therapist or become me in a way, but the version of me doing what I do, cause it is. The best job in the world. So you can find marisapeer.com, rtt.com and iamenough.com. And you can find my books on Amazon. You can find lots of my talks on YouTube and Instagram, and I'm so glad I was called Marisa Peer.

[00:44:35] Cause there's only one of me, which is good. I used to keep my name, but I love that now, too, because it's, I'm so glad my parents didn't call me Jane Smith. So Marisa Peer, you can find me anywhere.

[00:44:46] Hala Taha: And I have to say, was just studying for this interview was so enjoyable because I just love hearing you talk.

[00:44:53] I love the things that you say it's super positive. I just feel like it's so healthy for people to talk about these things and it's not talked [00:45:00] about enough, so thank you so much for your time and for going over, we'll put this out as a two-part episode and I think my audience is going to love it.

[00:45:06] Thank you so much for Marisa.

[00:45:08] Marisa Peer: Thank you so much too. I've loved it. When you do what you love, you feel like you've never worked today in your entire life. And I do work hard, but I also feel like I never work hard cause I'm so lucky I do what I love. And I love what I do. And I can tell by your voice that you do too.

[00:45:23] Hala Taha: Thanks for listening to part two of my series withMarisa Peer, on Young And Profiting Podcast. If you haven't yet, make sure you subscribe to this podcast. So you never miss an episode. I'm so happy that Marisa joined me to talk about competence and the outlook. We need to reframe our problems. Marissa taught us how to expand when we take a compliment versus contract.

[00:45:44] So many of us out there struggle taking compliments. But remember when somebody is giving us a compliment or words of encouragement, we should accept that praise, accepting praise expands our minds. Marisa also touched on the difference between arrogance and confidence, [00:46:00] arrogant people, brag, and compare themselves to others.

[00:46:03] Confident people know that they have something offered to the world. It's all about recognizing your own hard work and what you're truly good at confidence is quiet. Self assurance. When Marisa's previous partner was diagnosed with cancer, they visited a doctor who said he was the best cancer specialist in Europe.

[00:46:21] Instead of saying he would try, he said he would do, he's not practicing arrogance. He was providing reassurance because he always tried his best. He always gets good results and does a good job to provide that reassurance and appear more confident to others. Don't be shy to own what you're good at. Tell other people that you are the best of the best when it comes to what you do.

[00:46:42] I also loved how Marisa taught us about the strategy to reframe all of our problems. Using the three PS, I think this is super effective. So when you're hurt, upset or angry, remember these three PS. Think about if the problem you're having is permanent, personal or pervasive. If something isn't [00:47:00] permanent, personal or pervasive, it can't hurt you.

[00:47:03] Sometimes when a minor inconvenience comes along, we think it's the end-all be-all. But going through these three PS, again, that's permanent, personal or pervasive that can help you weigh the gravity of your situation. And then you realize that this problem is really not even a problem. It's not permanent, it's not personal and it's not pervasive.

[00:47:22] It's not going to last forever. And you realize that your problems can also be something else fantasy of make you feel more gratitude, and you'll get over it more quickly. Marisa also started the radical, I Am Enough movement. We judge ourselves as not enough in so many ways. We think that we're not enough.

[00:47:42] We think we need more of something. The not enoughness is an epidemic that people are going through. It is a game changer to start believing that you are enough. This is a statement. I encourage all of you guys to let in and say every single day, by just saying those three words, I am enough. [00:48:00] We can change our brains thought patterns and come to a place of self-love.

[00:48:05] If you liked this episode and you want to learn more about building, self-confidence go check out episode 56, Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan.

[00:48:14] Heather Monahan: When we're babies and children were born, just stepping into fear and seeing it as excitement and evolution like a baby doesn't lay there and say I've never crawled before.

[00:48:26] I don't know if I should give this a shot. And then once they're crawling, they don't say I don't know if I should try to stand up. They just do. They step into the fear. And when you look back on your life before people put limitations on you and you accepted them before people told you, you shouldn't try this before people told you to go get in one lane, we innately knew continually to step into the fear, step into the unknown, and that's how our life would accelerate.

[00:48:55] And based upon who you surround yourself with, if you follow your passions or don't, [00:49:00] what story you tell yourself, you could be the one that's holding you back, or you could be surround yourself with people holding you back, or you could be in a situation where, you're not tapping into your real talents, but what I've learned is that in the past two years, I've grown more as a person, as a professional.

[00:49:17] Than I ever had in the last 14 years at that company. And that's really sad for me to understand that now, because I can imagine how much further I would actually be in life. If I had been leaning into the fear, if I had been going to the next level, every time that I got up to bat, but I hadn't been, I had been.

[00:49:38] Holding myself back. So I could continue to fit into an environment that I had really outgrown. So it ends up being a real gift to say, listen, if you're not scared today, you're not pushing the envelope. You're not growing. We were not built or born to just sit somewhere and be stagnant or even really to shrink.

[00:49:56] So why not step into that fear? Why not ask that person on the [00:50:00] date? Why not write that book? Why not launch that show?

[00:50:04] Hala Taha: Again, if you liked this episode and you want to learn more about building confidence, go check out episode 56, Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan. Now, as always, I want to shout out a recent Apple Podcast reviewer, and this week shout out, goes to Jayden Keel.

[00:50:18] Jaden says love this podcast. Hala is an amazing interviewer. She always finds the best experts to discuss arrange of topic from social media to mental wellness, to finance tips. I really enjoy every episode because Hala, breaks the topic down and makes it digestible for everyone to truly listen, learn and profit a must listen podcast for anyone looking to improve themselves.

[00:50:43] I'll thank you so much, Jayden, for your amazing reviews. So glad that you like our range of topics. I personally love to learn a new topic each and every week, and it makes my job so satisfying. I get to continue learning and it is so rewarding. And it's especially rewarding to [00:51:00] hear your guys's feedback.

[00:51:01] I love to read your reviews. So if you're out there tuning in, if you find value in this podcast, week over week, take a few moments to subscribe to this podcast. Five-star review and then share Young And Profiting Podcasts with your friends and family on social media. You guys can find me on LinkedIn.

[00:51:19] Just search for my name is Hala Taha, or Instagram @yapwithhala. Big thanks to the YAP team as always. This is Hala signing off.