#134: Learn to Love Yourself with Marisa Peer
[00:00:00] Hala Taha: You're listening to YAP Young And Profiting Podcast, a place where you can listen, learn, and profit. Welcome to the show. I'm your host Hala Taha, and on Young And Profiting Podcast, we investigate a new topic each week and interview some of the brightest minds in the world. My goal is to turn their wisdom into actionable advice that you can use in your everyday life.

[00:00:25] No matter your age, profession, or industry, there's no fluff on this podcast and that's on purpose. I'm here to uncover value from my guests by doing the proper research and asking the right questions. If you're new to the show, we've chatted with the likes of ex FBI, real estate moguls, self-made billionaires, CEOs, and best-selling authors our subject matter ranges from enhancing productivity, how to gain, influence the art of entrepreneurship and more if you're smart and like to continually improve yourself, hit the subscribe button because you'll love [00:01:00] it here at Young And Profiting Podcast.

[00:01:03] This week on YAP. We're chatting with Marisa Peer, therapist, best-selling author and keynote speaker. Her mission is to spread the message that there are simple, rapid and effective techniques. Everyone can use to change their life as the award-winning founder of Rapid Transformational Therapy or RTT Marissa created a complete solution based treatment therapy.

[00:01:24] That's changed the lives of tens of thousands of people via its training program. RTT draws out the principal of hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, neuro-linguistic programming, cognitive behavioral therapy, neuroscience, and neuroplasticity to deliver fast effective and long-lasting results. Marissa also dedicates her time to developing powerful self-hypnosis programs, designed to release common blocks.

[00:01:48] People face in their, every area of life from self-confidence, weight, relationships, finances, and so much. Marissa is a best-selling author of five books and the creator of the iconic [00:02:00] I Am Enough movement. This is part one of our two part series with Marissa. In today's episode, we discuss Marissa's upbringing, how to find those who believe in you and how to self-sooth.

[00:02:11] We'll also talk about the importance of loving yourself, the power of hypnotherapy and why statements of truth, also known as affirmations, can change your life. If you're looking to shift your perspective and the way you talk about yourself, you won't want to miss this episode. Be sure to keep an eye out for part two releasing later this week, where we'll talk about the difference between arrogance and confidence, how to overcome self doubt and so much more.

[00:02:39] Hi, Marissa, welcome to Young And Profiting Podcast.

[00:02:42] Marisa Peer: Good day, How are you?

[00:02:44] Hala Taha: Great. I'm so happy to have you. Okay. So you are really an exciting person that we are super looking forward to talking to because you are one of the most famous, therapists that are out there. You are the therapists, and we'd like to start back [00:03:00] in the beginning.

[00:03:00] We like to start from people's childhood. So from my understanding, you had a bit of a lonely childhood, you were one of the middle children, your father was a headmaster or principal. Your mother was sick quite often, and you ended up feeling really alone. So I'd love to start off with understanding what your childhood was like and how that built your mindset up as a young adult and how that impacted you as a young adult and the stories that you told yourself because of the way that you grow up.

[00:03:31] Marisa Peer: Yeah. If you looked at my chart from the outside, it looked amazing. We literally lived in a house with a white picket fence. My father was a head teacher, straight prince. My mother was very beautiful, but that was on the outside and the inside. It was a strange childhood. My father bless his heart because he was a good person, was just so interested in everyone else's kids.

[00:03:50] He was an amazing head teacher. He's one of those typical people where he was busy looking after everyone else's children. And we were emotional and neglected, I guess now my mother [00:04:00] was another story. She was beautiful, completely unfulfilled. My father and her couldn't have been less suited if they tried and she just was always sick.

[00:04:08] And I understood something very early in my childhood because now I don't regret any of it is that we pick a row. My mother picked the sick one. It met all her needs. My father picked a brilliant one. It met all his needs and I became the caring one. I was always trying to get my parents, to love me by tidying up the house being good, being academic.

[00:04:30] And my brother was also the brilliant one and my sister little sister was the keep pretty warm. So I guess I learned something very early, which what I call foreplay, the four roles we play in order to belong. And there's only four. You're either sick. You're brilliant. You're carrying or you are the very rebellious one, which my brother became later because you can change roles.

[00:04:51] And that stood me in great stead as a therapist, because I often say to my clients look, which one are you? There's only four. And they go, wow. I never knew [00:05:00] that I was a sick one and I, my sister, I hated her, but now I see that she was the competitive one. And most therapists have the caring one. So that was interesting for me and something else was very interesting.

[00:05:13] I have a grandmother that loved me. She thought I was a genius and I realized something else. You need one person in your life to believe you. If you have that one person, you'll be okay. And I often think I would have been a juvenile delinquent if I hadn't had my grandmother. So my childhood taught me a lot.

[00:05:31] It taught me something else too, which is that, the most important words you'll ever hear come from yourself and not so much in my chart of it in my young adulthood. I learnt something else, which is whatever is going on around you. You have to choose to let it in or not. So when I was only like 17 or 18, I remember being told that you can never have children and you have to accept.

[00:05:54] I'm heard a voice in my head. Don't let that in. Do not let that in. That's not up to them. That's up [00:06:00] to you and that voice. Came back many years later when I was told I had cancer twice and I heard the voice again going, don't let that in. That's not up to them. It's up to you. And they say this is the terror time.

[00:06:12] And my doctor actually did this. He went. It has your address. It knows where you live. It's probably going to come back and put, wow. What a thing to say, but I thought no, you're not going to tell me that I'm going to make a decision. And so my childhood wasn't horrible. I see people every day with the most dreadful appalling horrific childhood, my childhood was a middle-class but a nice house.

[00:06:38] We had nice stuff. We got fed every day. We had heating, we had food, but it was an emotional. Slightly neglected childhood, but I don't regret any of it because it made me, understand people. But I did, it was a lonely childhood. I didn't feel special. I didn't feel smart. I didn't feel attractive. I didn't feel [00:07:00] interesting.

[00:07:00] I didn't feel anything, but that also led me to what I'm at believe is the core of most people's problems, which is that I'm not enough. I'm not smart. I'm the head teacher's daughter was supposed to be brilliant. I'm definitely not privy enough and interesting enough that I realized that I could change all of that by changing what I said to myself.

[00:07:24] And then I went from feeling like this geeky, freaky, hideous kid to someone who's no I'm pretty good. Actually. I'm smart. I'm interesting. I'm attractive. I understood. And I wish we were all taught this in schools that the most important words you'll ever hear are your words. And you can, you can't go through life going, Hey, could you out there and make me believe I'm attractive or interesting or worthy.

[00:07:49] We have to do ourselves. So now. I'm glad I had that chart. Cause I learn what I teach. Other people do not give anyone else agency over your life or [00:08:00] your thoughts or your beliefs. You make your beliefs and then your beliefs turn right around and make you, and you get the choice of making your beliefs.

[00:08:09] But I guess the most interesting thing for my chart at all though, was that. The scene that was played out. And my mother tried to kill herself several times. She would throw herself down the stairs. She was in many ways, hysterical. She was a lovely person, but she was so unfulfilled and my father would just pick up his briefcase and go to work.

[00:08:27] And I remember thinking, oh, that's what you do when you're in this crazy relationship. You need a great career because it fulfills you. And I remember thinking that, but my brother told me that he looked at that scene and thought you never marry someone beautiful because they're hysterical. My sister said she looked at and thought, wow, you must marry someone who loves you more, than you love them, and then they won't leave you.

[00:08:53] They won't pick up their briefcase and go to work. So three kids saw the same scene played out every week. [00:09:00] We each formed a different belief. I believed you needed a great career. My brother believed that Marianne was beautiful. My sister believed marry is someone who loves you.

[00:09:09] More than you love them. And that was probably one of my key learnings that it isn't events that affect you. It's the interpretation you put on them, which you are free to change any time. And so for years, I had relationships that were deeply unfulfilled because I had a belief, relationships go wrong. It was never, if it was always when you need a great career for when they go wrong.

[00:09:33] And the day I changed that belief, everything changed. I really believe that what happens doesn't affect you as much as what you believe, about what happens and yet your beliefs are yours to change.

[00:09:48] Hala Taha: I think so many parts of that story are super interesting. The first one that's like my big takeaway, is the fact that you said you just need one person to believe in you and your grandmother was that one person for [00:10:00] you.

[00:10:00] For me, it was my father. I was always, I was the black sheep growing up, all my siblings went to med school and I was, everybody thought that I was going to be a failure trying to be in radio and all these things. And it turns out I was completely fine. But I just didn't fit in with my family.

[00:10:16] And so I know what you mean when you have that one person that can really help push you along. What about if people don't have one person, what do they do? If there's nobody who believes in them.

[00:10:26] Marisa Peer: I guess you're got to find that one person, I meet many, I met a girl recently whose father was a drug dealer whose sister drowned in the pool.

[00:10:35] Cause he was, and she said, I had a teacher, I used to go to school early in the morning and I hated the holidays. And that teacher believed in me sort of the reasons I became a therapist because I wanted to be that person. And I have many kids who come in suicidal teenagers. Kids that are cutting themselves.

[00:10:53] And I would say, listen, I believe in you, you're smart. You got something to offer the world. It's a real shame that your

[00:11:00] parents on board with you, you come through your parents, not from if your life was like a clock. Your childhood is only the first five or 10 minutes, and you've got all the rest of it.

[00:11:10] And you have to find someone that believes in you. We have a belief that it's always family, but it isn't, it could be a teacher. It could be a therapist. It could be a friend's pair. And I have an amazing friend and she's taken another people's kids and raised them. And she's just the most extraordinary she was adopted herself.

[00:11:28] And she really has a great heart for children. And so I believe that we have a whole tribe and it's a matter of, where can you find some, or can you join a group? Can you find a, maybe you can find an old person, your community who can be like your mother. People write to me and go, Hey, you're like my mum.

[00:11:47] I feel like you're my mom giving me, I love that because actually I would have loved to have more children. I have one and I'm thrilled with my daughter. She's amazing. In every possible way, but I love the fact that I'm now a mom to lots of

[00:12:00] people. So I think you have to, first of all, believe there is someone out there to believe in you and then go out and find them.

[00:12:07] And I think what people do is they go, I need a wife, I need a husband. I needed girlfriend, a boyfriend. And we put all our energy into finding someone to love us. We've tried so hard to make someone love us. When in fact will you have to do. It's put the energy into loving yourself, wake up every day, look in America.

[00:12:26] Hey, I matter. I'm amazing. I'm lovable. I'm enough. If you could say every day, just these four phrases. I'm lovable. I am enough. I matter, I'm significant. Say it because your mind will let it in. It doesn't care. Or even know if what you tell it is right or wrong. When you fill yourself up from the inside, then go out with that sense of, I matter, I worthy, you'll find lots of people who want to be in your life and support you and believe in you, but it's hard for someone else to believe in you

[00:13:00] when you don't believe in you.

[00:13:02] So the easiest thing in the world is take a minute. And think about the words you'd love to hear. We all have a vision of someone going, oh, you're the one you're everything. And start saying it to yourself, start saying those words to yourself. It doesn't matter who says them. They sink in any way. And then you'll go out in the world and find people who believe in you.

[00:13:25] But you have to also believe in you to make that happen.

[00:13:29] Hala Taha: So when we're growing up, a lot of people say negative things around us that end up shaping our own internal stories. Whether your parents might've said that you were a mistake or that your parents seemed stressed out or talk negatively to you, and then you grow up believing all these negative things about yourself.

[00:13:49] So to some of the new parents that are out there, how do you recommend that? We stop this negative conditioning with our children.

[00:13:57] Marisa Peer: Yeah. It's the most the saddest thing of all, because [00:14:00] when a parent is mean to the child down on the child, hard on the child doesn't stop loving the parent.

[00:14:06] They immediately stop loving themselves because the child is very simple. It's I'm nice to my mommy. So therefore she'll be nice to me, but she's not asking me. She's shouting. She's angry. So it must be my fault. Children must idolize their parents. They don't have any choice. They understand innately I'm here.

[00:14:26] And I can't look after myself. So I got to make you lovely. And then all my needs are met and it's scary for a charter worker. Oh my mom's mentally ill. My dad's depressed. My mom's an alcoholic. And what the child does is they blame themselves. It's my fault, Dad's always at work? It's my fault. Mom's always crying.

[00:14:46] I gotta be better. Begin this huge effort to be perfect, which is impossible. So as a parent, understand that your children have to idolize you. And when you're hard on them, they blame themselves [00:15:00] and own it. Go out and they'll go, darling today, mommy was not nice. Mommy. Today mommy was crossed today. Daddy lost it.

[00:15:07] I'm so sorry. It was nothing to do with you. It was to be, my little girl said to me one day, mommy, have you got your pyramid today? Cause you're very cranky. Cause I say, darling, mommy, wasn't nice today. Mommy had her period. It made me a bit cranky. I'm really sorry. It was not your fault. You're a great kid.

[00:15:24] And I would always own it and apologize. Not all the time, but I said, I'm sorry today. I was a bit mean today. I was distracted. One of my friends had a little girl said, mommy can I have a meeting with you because you have meetings all the time. And I want to have a meeting with you is can I spend some time with you?

[00:15:44] And then you have to say to you, okay, the thing they need to hear, mommy goes to work. I am, I love work, but I don't love work more than you. It's when you say I've got to go to work, to pay the bills. Cause you're so expensive. You can say, I love my job, but I [00:16:00] don't love anything more than you.

[00:16:02] And when you grow up, your love, your job. And then when you have a fight, you have a, mommy and daddy had a fight today, but Hey, kids fight. It doesn't mean we don't love you. And if you break up, you say, this has nothing to do with you. We love you so much. I found the thing for me was to say to my daughter, there's nothing you could do in the whole world.

[00:16:21] Ever that would stop me loving you. If you did something bad, I would be upset. But I will always love you. I will never, ever not love you. And as my daughter growing up, I had so many kids would turn up at my house. My mom's thrown me out cause she found me smoking. My mums kicked me out in the middle of the night.

[00:16:39] Cause she discovered I was having sex with someone and I'd always heard, I would never, ever kick you out of the house. No matter what you do. If you go to jail, I come to visit you. Obviously didn't wanted to go to jail, but I think children have to know that you're their safe place. And I also think it's really important [00:17:00] not to make them like you.

[00:17:01] Hey where academic, why aren't you a Westport here? Why aren't you sporty, you can't say to the kid, what's wrong with you. You're not supposed to give birth to yourself. Your children challenge you at the time. I don't tell, you're my teacher because you're teaching me cause you're so definitely, and you're teaching me how to be with someone who isn't like me and I was a single parent and that's difficult because.

[00:17:24] I mean in many ways, it's wonderful, but it's also difficult because you don't have another person when I'm having a bad day, might have a go, didn't have another parent to go to, to go. Mommy is just having a bad day, let's you and I hang out, but it's a great thing to be a parent. You just have to understand that children are fragile and they get very damaged by shouting, screaming and blaming.

[00:17:50] But they didn't need to live in a perfect world. And as long as you can own it and say, this was nothing to do with you. You're great. You're amazing. You are a [00:18:00] source of joy. It's my greatest pleasure to be your parent being your parent is my joy. It's amazing. I love raising you and then say things like, you're so funny.

[00:18:10] You're so interesting. You're so cute. I love you because you're you, so you can writ the most important thing as a parent. It's not to give your kids organic broccoli, it's to give them high self esteem. And you do that by making them feel good about themselves, how to excessively, but just loving them for who they are.

[00:18:31] I can tell you, I made so many failures of parents, so many, but you just got to pull it back. Be great with your children. It's never too late to sit down and say, I made so many mistakes. None of that was your fault. It was my fault. And you are the joy of my life. And I'm so glad I had you. And it really makes a difference.

[00:18:53] Hala Taha: I've heard you say before that we can be our own parents. If we didn't have the parent that said the right things [00:19:00] to us, or if our parents passed away or whatever it is, you can go and be your own parent. What do you mean by that? What can we do to self-soothe?

[00:19:09] Marisa Peer: I actually believe two things. It's never too late to have a happy childhood and it's never too late to be a parent to yourself.

[00:19:17] And again, I had very emotionally absent parents. But, I began to understand what I need from a parent. And what you need from a parent is reassuring. I love you. You're amazing. I'm so glad I had you. You're smart. You're interesting. My world is a better place just because you're in it.

[00:19:38] So again, think of the words you want to hear, and it's very simple. Start saying them. And over again, because again, the mind doesn't go. What we're, you're saying that it doesn't count. If you put lotion on your skin, your mind doesn't go, Hey, is that lotion from pride? It must be really good at it.

[00:19:53] You get it free on a plane, in which case it's rubbish. It lets the lotion in and lotion, nourishes, [00:20:00] dry skin. And I believe that words are a lotion for a chat. And that when you say the right word. They sink in. They do the most amazing things. Words can heal. You've heard that thing sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

[00:20:15] That's so wrong. Words can be so incredibly healing. So being a parent yourself means saying what you want to hear. I was never told, I was smart. But I was told I would never love my parents told me to become a nanny cause they thought I was so lacking in intelligence, nothing wrong with being a nanny by the way.

[00:20:36] But because I was also told I could never have children. Oh, that's a great job for me. I'll be a nanny because I can't have children and I'm not very bright. And that's a good job. And now I think, wow, I'm so glad. I another voice in my head went, oh, you, you can do something better. So be a loving parents yourself every day.

[00:20:56] And that simply means imagining what you want. Here's what I call the [00:21:00] missing bit. What are the words you've loved to hear? And don't go searching for someone else to put them in you because that makes you needy. Put them into yourself. I always wanted to hear, I was the favorite and I was my grandmother's favorite, but I began to say one day as next feminine, I'm the favorite?

[00:21:20] I'm my parents' favorite. It was very peculiar because I really wasn't. My sister was my mother's favorite. Probably it was my father's favorite. My mom loved the cute, pretty last little baby. And my dad loved having a son and my son went to a private school and I didn't because I wasn't smart. But when I said it, what was so amazing, it was how quickly it became.

[00:21:42] All of a sudden my father was like, how do you mean like a lazy go. You're amazing. And say, proud of yourself at wow. It's almost scary how fast this works. And then I realized that actually, I didn't really like that because my father and mother both started to hone in on [00:22:00] me more than my brother and sister.

[00:22:02] So I stopped saying that, I don't actually need it. And when my father began to say the things I'd want to hear my whole life. I'm so proud of you. You've done so well this week. I've wanted this forever now I've got it. So I don't even need it because I've done it myself. I didn't need my father to say it because I've said it to myself.

[00:22:23] And so if you've heard your mother or father say, you're a mistake, we wanted a girl and you were the fourth boy or vice versa. We really wanted a boy. And you were the fifth girl start saying, and I was meant to be the fifth girl I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be a girl. And here. And my parents are thrilled that I'm the fifth girl, even if it's not true to keep saying it, my parents are so proud of me.

[00:22:49] My parents are so supportive, even if it's not true, you may find that they change. But even if they don't, it won't matter. Cause it will be that bond for your soul is [00:23:00] so powerful.

[00:23:03] Hala Taha: This episode of YAP is brought to you by Gusto. If you're a small business owner, this is for you running a business is just plain hard.

[00:23:11] There's endless to do lists employees to take care of and your ever present bottom line. So first of all, kudos to you for staying on top of it. All Gusto wasn't just built for small businesses. It was built for the people behind. There are online. Payroll is super easy to use. They can automatically calculate Paychex and file all your payroll taxes, which means you have more time to run your business.

[00:23:35] Plus Gusto does way more than just payroll. They can help with time-tracking, health insurance, 401ks, onboarding, commuter benefits, offer letters, access to HR experts. You get the idea it's super easy to set up and get started. And if you're moving from another provider, they can transfer all your data for you.

[00:23:54] At YAP media, we are gearing up to start our HR benefits on Gusto. And this was the plan even [00:24:00] before they sponsored the podcast. After doing my due diligence and research, I chose Gusto because they provide payroll benefits, onboarding and HR, all in one place for an affordable price for a budget that suits my growing startup.

[00:24:14] It's no surprise that 94% of customers are likely to recommend Gusto, and that it's been trusted by over a hundred thousand businesses, just like yours. Gusto really cares about the small business owners. They work with. Their support team is super attentive and helpful, and since money can be tight right now, you can even get three months free.

[00:24:32] Once you run your first payroll, just go to gusto.com/YAP and start setting up your business today. You'll see what I mean. When I say it's really easy. Again, that's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/YAP.

[00:24:48] I think that is such incredible advice. So let's talk about how you built up your confidence, because from my understanding you were pretty insecure growing up.

[00:24:57] You mentioned before you felt lonely, you [00:25:00] felt unattractive, you were told you couldn't have children at a young age. That probably was a big blow to your self-esteem, especially back then when you know, women were just supposed to get married and have kids. So you probably felt insecure. About that turned out to not even be true.

[00:25:16] So how did you rebuild your confidence? What was the turning point in your life?

[00:25:19] Marisa Peer: I definitely felt less than, I felt less. I less interesting, less attractive, less everything. And I don't know the turning point. I just began to say the words, I needed to hear. I went to college, I was asked to leave college.

[00:25:38] My father was devastated by that, but I actually wasn't. I thought it was a great thing. And I ended up going to LA and teaching aerobics for Jane Fonda. I was a bit of a renegadeby them. I started off being the real caring kid, and then I became slightly rebellious. Like what? I'm just going to do what I want.

[00:25:55] And I loved teaching aerobics for Jane Fonda, but that was also a turning point [00:26:00] because I saw all these amazing women met, famous, beautiful, stunning women. Who'd go well, I've got fat ankles or a bit of fat on my knees and they were so down on themselves. And I think I understood again. Wow. They all believing that if I had a perfect body, if my hair was perfect and they were perfect, I would be happy.

[00:26:22] And that was another example of how that looking outside of themselves. I just need to be five pounds lighter. I just need bigger breasts, smaller thighs. I've got to have big hair and a small butt, but I seem to have a big butt and thin hairhas therefore I don't count. And it was seeing how people was so hard on themselves and realizing that the answer was to go, yeah, Magazines say big hair and thin thigh but I've got big size and thin hair.

[00:26:53] So I don't count. Yes, you do. You go to stop just loving who you are. And I think what I also [00:27:00] saw then was women who decided, I hate my body. So I'm going to punish it. I'm going to stuff it I'm going to deprive it. If food I'm going to force it to work out really hard for a long time and it never worked what worked was going well, I love this body.

[00:27:16] Yeah. I got big thighs. I love them. I've got a big butt. I love my big butt. I love everything about myself and it was. This seeing how, if you could love your body and go, I love all the things it does that it would, then it would change it. I love my body, so I'm not going to fill it with donuts and garbage.

[00:27:35] I'm going to give it good food. And it was really this turning point of wow. When you can love who you are, you start to treat yourself with respect, but when you come at it from self-hatred, it doesn't make you change. It makes you hate yourself more, One of the fascinating things about the mind is whatever you look for, you will find whatever you focus on.

[00:27:59] You get [00:28:00] more. So when you start to look for the flaws I got cellulite, or I didn't have a six pack. I don't have a great job. I don't have a great car. When you look for that, you find a, when you look for what's great. Wow. I do have a little fat tummy, but my partner loves that I do have not perfect skin, but who cares?

[00:28:23] It's really important to love all the things your body does and took when you fall in love with yourself. Sounds very arrogant, but it isn't it's a lifelong romance. It never forgets your birthday. It never disappoints. You don't have to wax everything off, snip things off, inject things in. There's nothing to be taken away or added to make you love you.

[00:28:46] And falling in love with yourself is easy. It just starts with. You have a great person. You're not, you're kind, you're warm, no one goes, Hey, I love you because you got thin thighs. I go, I love you because you're a [00:29:00] good person because you're funny. You're compelling. You're interesting. No one ever says, I love you because your skin is perfect.

[00:29:08] If they did well, who wants to be with someone like that? So it's so important to love ourselves, to help our kids love ourselves and to get away from this south hatred, forcing your body to be something else, forcing you to be someone else forcing yourself to be what other people want, rather than just going, Hey, I'm me.

[00:29:29] And if you love me, that's great. If you don't well, that's okay because I love me because when you become someone else to make someone love, which I did a lot when I was growing up. I pretended to be this really confident. Sparky person, which really wasn't me a tool. But then when someone loves you think, yeah, but they don't even know who I am.

[00:29:50] I've played a whole game here. I've faked all of this. And now I don't know how to show this person who I really am. But when you start from who you really are, [00:30:00] I'm a flawed person and I'm going to have a great flawed relationship with another flawed person. Cause that's the best you can ever be, a flawed person.

[00:30:08] Having flawed relationships with flawed people and it's, so you can actually start to breathe out and you go, yeah. I'm not perfect. Neither are my friends or my partner, but I'm having a great time because people love me. Not the me. I think I got to pretend to be, to get through life.

[00:30:26] Hala Taha: I think what you're saying is super important.

[00:30:28] It's so important to speak positively to yourself, to boost yourself up, to love yourself and not to try to find love and other people. I think all the advice that you're giving us. So great. So I know that when you were working at Jane Fonda's fitness center, you met a pioneer in hypnotism. What did you learn from him?

[00:30:49] And what is hypnotherapy for people who may not know.

[00:30:53] Marisa Peer: Hypnotherapy is people think it's about going to sleep. It's actually asleep of the nervous is when you have a subconscious [00:31:00] mind and a conscious mind of a subconscious rums, the show. And, we, again, we keep trying to make these changes constantly.

[00:31:06] Imagine if you're scared of dogs. Terrified a dogs. You may remember the little chihuahua in that I was going. What do you know? This is a little cute thing and look at so lovely and I'm holding, giving. It will never hurt you. That sort of logic, but the emotion is no. That dog's going to bite me and attack me.

[00:31:24] So fears. Emotional. Here's a rule of the mind and a battle between logic and emotion always wins. And so hypnosis. Doesn't do logic changing. Let's talk about your feelings. Oh, you're scared of my let's. Maybe draw a picture or talk about mice and understand my, so indeed spiders, because logic doesn't work, the emotional mind is going to run the show.

[00:31:49] And so what hypnosis does is takes you back to a place in time. When you acquired a fear, show you what was going on and then change the perception.[00:32:00] You were talking a bit before about language. So as I, and here's the thing you can choose to be negative and you can choose to be positive, but what you cannot choose is the damage you do to your body.

[00:32:13] When you use negative language, my job is killing me. Kid is driving me insane. My partner makes me want to kill myself. I'm the size of a house. I've got a, but the size of a continent, we say these crazy things and don't understand that the subconscious mind is always listening. It's always on record and it believes everything you tell us.

[00:32:37] When you say of one more person goes, no, I'm going to kill myself. The subconscious mind believes oh, You're going to kill yourself with one more person dumped you. My job is to keep you alive. So I'm just going to turn you into a really cold hearted solitary person. And now you can never be dumped. When you say to the subconscious, this commute is going to
[00:33:00] be the death of me.

[00:33:00] Your mind goes, Why don't I give you chronic diarrhea, panic attacks, because I can't have you go on that commute that you keep saying is killing you. So we really need to understand the subconscious mind is emotional, not logical. And to realize that when we say these things like, oh, I'm losing my shit.

[00:33:22] I will say that all the time is such a crazy expression. Cause it's not true, but your mind starts to believe. It's true. I met this amazing doctor who said, My favorite expression is very British. Whereas this is doing my head in, it's doing my head and it's doing mine because I got a brain tumor and I knew that it was what I was saying.

[00:33:41] And then somebody wrote to me and said, do you know, I listened to you talking. And what I say every day is I just can't stand it. I can't stand it. When my kids don't put their lives on jars, I can't stand it. When my husband leaves his clothes all over the floor and the arches of my feet had collapsed and I was in immense pain.[00:34:00]

[00:34:00] And I stopped saying those words immediately. Guess what happened? My heart just went back to normal. How weird is that? That's actually not weird because you, your mind uses your worth to work out. What's going wrong. I haven't met who will say, oh, this is getting on my nerves and it's driving me crazy.

[00:34:18] And then they say, and I've got. Itchy skin or irritable bowel or chronic digestion. And we see a lot of auto immune diseases now where their body is turning on itself. And a lot of people think I'm crazy to saying this, but I believe that this self-hatred we have of ourselves, this belief that I've got to look like someone in a magazine, which is all airbrushed and not real.

[00:34:42] If you go through this habit where the one look in there, go, oh, look at the state of me. Look at my hair. Look at my skin. I look terrible. I'll go old or tired. It isn't surprising that when you're practicing self hatred, you might just get an auto immune disease. And before you [00:35:00] dismiss that out of hand, doctors now say that 70% of patients turning up at a and E have real physical problems.

[00:35:09] That are caused by disease thinking. So many of our modern issues, the panic attacks, the anxiety. And not that you're, organised diseased. Put your thinking is diseased. We think we're machines with broken parts, but with people with broken experiences and so hypnosis is I think the most profound way of going back and say, Let's take a look at this.

[00:35:35] I'll give you a great example. I met a go, she, I met her online because she couldn't leave the house because she had this hypersensitivity to daylight, to sunlight. Any UVA rays would burn her skin. And so she was condemned to staying in the house. She was a coach who worked from home. Couldn't even go out.

[00:35:54] And that was a horrible life for her, but she wasn't born like that. And when we went back and had a look at when this

[00:36:00] began, she said, oh, I was being really bullied at school. And I said to my mom, I don't want to go to school. My mom said, don't be ridiculous. You have to go to, I have to go. I hate my job.

[00:36:09] I've got to go to work. You've got to go to school, suck it up. And I asked her again. I said, mom, I'm being really bad. Anybody, please, can I say him? And she said no. And she said, I long to stay at home. It seems so seductive to stay at home. And then I got this skin issue and I couldn't leave the house.

[00:36:29] And so what's so interesting is your mind is like the genie and your wish. Is it someone that when a child, cause I just, I never want to leave a house. I want to stay at home. I don't want to leave the house. The mind goes okay. That's a direct request. In fact, it's a command and my job is to make that real.

[00:36:49] So now I'm going to create a way of you never leaving the. That's an extreme X and we've all done this thing where we go, oh God, what I'd get for a week lying around on the [00:37:00] sofa, doing nothing and learn how old we get the flu. We've often said things that I'm dreading. Next Wednesday, I got to give a presentation or a speech I'm taking this exam.

[00:37:10] And as next wave this day comes along. We wake up with chronic diarrhea or the flu or a headache cause our mind listens. And I asked to the words we tell it. And all you have to do is change though. As next Wednesday got a meeting just challenging, but I'm going to be amazing. I know what to say. I'm really good at my job.

[00:37:33] This commute is a challenge, but Hey, I can listen to great audio books. I can take time for myself and my problem, this commute to work on the 4 0 5 freeway, someone else's fantasy dream come true. My kid keeps me up at night, someone on the other side, I wouldn't give anything to have a kid like that. And it doesn't last long.

[00:37:53] So you got to stop the negative and accentuate the positive and then your mind doesn't think, wow, [00:38:00] you keep saying this, job's killing me. My kid's driving me crazy. Now I've got unexpected. I can't have another kid because you keep telling your mind it's killing you. So be aware of how you talk to yourself and understand that, although you're choosing the negative, you're not able to choose how that impacts your health, change, your dialogue, change the way you talk to yourself, change the words you use.

[00:38:27] And it really does change everything. Just something as simple, as changing, nervous, too excited. I'm terrified. I'm excited. This is a nightmare. This is a challenge. This is killing me. This is stretching me. This is driving me insane. Oh, my kids just age appropriate. They're awake or night when they're 15.

[00:38:49] I wish they were home in bed. Keeping me up. They leave smeary. Peanut barter stands all over the counter, but in 10 years they won't even be here. And I wish they weren't. So chase [00:39:00] look at the word you use and change, and because it really does change everything and it's easy and it's free and it's almost instant.

[00:39:10] Hala Taha: Oh, my gosh, this is such good stuff, Marisa. I'm really enjoying this conversation. So let's stick on mindset of bed. Let's talk about affirmations, which you actually don't call them affirmations. You call them I think, truth statements or statements of truth. So why don't you call them affirmations?

[00:39:28] What's wrong with that word?

[00:39:30] Marisa Peer: There's nothing wrong with affirmations. Except many of my clients are going to go, Hey, I've got an affirmation. I've got a little poster. And it says, life is a beautiful walk in the park and the sun is always shining and that's actually not true. Sometimes, the sun isn't shining and you tread in dog mess and it's not what you think it is.

[00:39:51] And I think statements have to, should be about you use. The words that follow, I am follow you. And so [00:40:00] same. The truth is say, I am and then go, I am positive. I am lovable. I am worthy. I am enough. I am an amazing person. I have something incredible to offer the world. We present something to the mind.

[00:40:16] And it turns around, presents it right back. So when the words that follow, I am I am inadequate. I am useless. I am a failure. I am not enough. You present that. And then sadly you become it. And so statements of truth are really, what do you want to say about yourself? And it's not an affirmation. It's the truth.

[00:40:39] Here's the truth about you? You're amazing. You're unique. There's no one else in the water. You have something amazing to offer the world. Even if you don't know what you have a gift you're meant to be here. You're meant to be you exactly the way you are. And so when you can begin there, I am, I love [00:41:00] this about Meryl Streep.

[00:41:01] She went up for the party and King Kong and Jess, Jessica Lange was given. And after her audition, the director said Merrill, I'm going to tell you the truth. You're not pretty enough for this part, and you're never gonna make it in the movies and you need to go home and do something else. And she said, you know what, that's your opinion.

[00:41:20] In a sea of opinions, I think I'll go away and find a bachelor opinion. And I love that about her because when you said no, she said I'm not letting that in. And if you ever saw one of my favorite films out of Africa, where Robert Red, red was washing her hair in the past, she looked so beautiful in that.

[00:41:37] Being a great actress is not, just being beautiful. And I love the fact that when he said, no, she didn't let that in. So he had a statement of truth and she said, oh, I got a different statement of truth. I am going to be a phenomenal actress. Someone said to him and Naomi Campbell, Naomi, your navigate on the cover of Vogue.

[00:41:59] That [00:42:00] door is shut to black model. She said, shut. Okay. Open. And that's a statement of truth. It's it's not your statement. It's my statement. The director's story was that Merrill wasn't pretty enough. The Vogue story was that a black girl couldn't be on the cover, but that was there. So it, wasn't your story.

[00:42:22] Your mother didn't love you. That's her story. It's not your story. Your story is your amazing. My parents' story was our son is amazing and our daughter's a disappointment, but that wasn't my story. That was their story. So that was their statement. It wasn't mine. It was for a while, and I thought, I'm going to have a different statement.

[00:42:46] I'm amazing. Got something to offer the world and I'm here for a reason. And so a statement of truth. Don't pick up someone as it, when some person goes, oh, I don't love you anymore. [00:43:00] You're not what I want. That's the story. It's not your story as well. That's your loss. I'm amazing. And so many people go, yeah.

[00:43:08] Dumb and their story is that I wasn't enough for that person, but the real story is everything they loved and you want, it's still in you. They didn't pack it in their bag when they left and took it with them. So don't make someone else's story. You also, your dad left before you were born.

[00:43:26] That's his loss. That doesn't mean you're not amazing and incredible and meant to be here. So the statement of truth is not making someone else's story, your story. It's deciding what you want to hear and saying it as a statement of truth. So when you say it with unshakeable conviction. You say it with certainty, you don't just write I'm enough.

[00:43:53] And a lot of post-it note and stick it on your fridge. You read it. You say, you go, I am [00:44:00] enough. And you say it in a way that's convincing and powerful. You use that unshakeable, unwavering conviction and certainty in your voice. If you will. To believe something about yourself, make it a statement of truth, own it.

[00:44:15] Say it affirm it stated because what's so amazing is that when you do it so quickly, it stops being what you say. And it really becomes who you are. I've been a therapist, my entire adult life, and I've had people come up who don't have a voice, can't speak, always crying and in half an hour, That was a different person.

[00:44:39] They go, wow. I never knew that I could hold my head up and say, I matter, I'm significant, I'm lovable and I'm enough. And it would become real. So I, that's why I call it statements. I find affirmations are not always, but they can be wishy-washy the sons every [00:45:00] day in every way, I'm getting better and better isn't affirmation, but that's very vague.

[00:45:05] What does that even mean? And after a statement of truth is every day I wake up knowing I matter, I feel great about who I am. I've got a purpose. I'm here for a reason to know what that is, but I know I'm going to find it and live my best life. So I think statements, I just more powerful and more clear than affirmations.

[00:45:28] Affirmations can be clear sometimes then. I didn't believe in them. I just prefer statements.

[00:45:37] Hala Taha: Thanks for listening to Young And Profiting Podcast. I am so happy to have had that conversation with Marisa, I feel so inspired. I learned so much about the power of our words and how they affect our subconscious Marisa told us that she had an emotionally neglected childhood.

[00:45:53] Her father was often a way, her mother was always sick and having meltdowns and Marisa realized from a young

[00:46:00] age that we all take on different roles. Her mother took on the role of the sick one, her father took on the academic role. And she took on the caring role. During this time in her life, she realized that we are only needing one person to believe in ourselves.

[00:46:15] For me, that person was my father for her. That was her grandmother. If you don't have that, we can try to find that one person who believes. This might sound intimidating, especially if you have nobody in your life. But the only way to attract that person is to start loving yourself. We try so hard to make people love us, instead of focusing on our own self love and care.

[00:46:38] Marissa said, it's hard to find someone who believes in you when you don't believe in yourself, to love ourselves. We have to forget about the statement. I am not enough and start speaking positively into our lives. We are the ones that tear ourselves down the most. We all have life experiences that have damaged our confidence, or self-esteem, it's never too late to have a happy childhood, to be [00:47:00] a parent to yourself or to recover from the past.

[00:47:03] Marisa reminded me that the most important thing that everyone wants is reassurance. Ask yourself what are the words that I want and I need to hear and then see them to yourself. Over and over again, Marisa knows that emotion always wins the battle over logic. When our emotions are heightened, we tend to start speaking negativity into our lives.

[00:47:24] You cannot choose the damage that you do to your body. When you use negative language, our subconscious mind, always listening. When we say horrible things like I'm losing it or you're killing me. Our mind starts to believe that it's true. Your mind can't tell the difference between a truth and a lie to negate these negative thoughts.

[00:47:42] We have to say affirmations and statements of truth to ourselves instead, compliment yourself and shut out all the unnecessary noise around you. The statement of truth is not making someone else's story, your story. It's saying what you want to hear. Unshakable certainty [00:48:00] in a way that is convincing and powerful tune in next week, to hear the second part of this amazing and inspiring interview with Marisa Peer and we'll continue the conversation about being enough and accepting self praise.

[00:48:13] Now, as always, I want to end this episode giving a five star review to one of our Apple Podcasts reviewers. And if you didn't know, Apple Podcast reviews are the number one way to thank us here at Young And Profiting Podcast is a free and effective way to support the show. It impacts our social ranking. It impacts people listening to the show and feeling motivated to listen.

[00:48:35] And it's a great way to show your support. It is the best way to thank us, honestly, it is my favorite thing to read your reviews. It keeps me motivated this week. Shout out, goes to Gretta Simo and she said queen Hala Taha, I love Young And Profiting Podcasts. So much, Hala is a dedicated professional who has such a fascinating background and career journey.

[00:48:58] She truly cares about giving [00:49:00] back to her listeners and she is such a role model to me. Thank you so much Gretta for your amazing review. I'm so happy to hear that you believe that I'm your role model, and I hope to continue to inspire you. I hope that you continue to listen to YAP podcasts to level up your life and to everybody out there tuning in.

[00:49:18] If you find value in Young And Profiting Podcasts, take a moment, drop us a five star review. Show us some love. Give us your feedback. I love to hear from our listeners. Go ahead and drop us a review on Apple Podcasts. And if you don't have access to apple, drop us a review on Castbox. We have almost 150,000 subscribers on Castbox.

[00:49:38] So if you're listening on that app, go ahead, drop us a comment. Let me know what you're thinking. Let me know what you think about the show. If you listen to every week, I want to shout you out on the podcast. Take time to leave us a review and you guys can also find me on social media. You can find me on Instagram @yapwithhala or LinkedIn, just search for my name,Hala Taha.

[00:49:58] And speaking of Instagram, go ahead [00:50:00] and take a screenshot of this app. Upload it to your Instagram story. Tag me @yapwithhala. Show me that you listened to the end of this episode, show me that you feel inspired, motivated, and then let's chop it up in the DMS. I love to talk to my listeners big, thanks to the YAP team as always.

[00:50:15] This is Hala signing off.