[00:00:00] [00:01:00] What's up young Anders? If you've ever wondered how to lead with more alignment, build with us, burnout and recover. When life knocks you sideways, then this episode is your reset. I'm joined today by Gabby Bernstein. She's an author, speaker, and spiritual leader and the host of the Dear Gabby Podcast. Her latest book is entitled Self-Help.

This is your chance to Change your life. Gabby is going to share some tools that can support entrepreneurs and leaders who are struggling with pressure, trauma control, anxiety, and so much more. This episode is packed with so much value. But first, make sure you follow and subscribe to this podcast. That way you'll never miss an episode packed with expert insights like this one.

Gabby, welcome to [00:02:00] Young and Profiting podcast. 

Gabby Bernstein: Hala. So good to be with you. Thank you for having me. 

Hala Taha: I am so excited for this conversation. I feel like I've been waiting for you to come on the podcast for like years now. And finally, here you are. So thank you for joining us. 

Gabby Bernstein: I've arrived. I'm here. 

Hala Taha: So when I was researching about you, I found out that you were really spiritual.

Even since a really young age. You learned how to meditate from your mother, and these days everybody knows you as this big spiritual guru leader, but then in your twenties. You got into the nightlife in New York City and you started a PR firm and you kind of moved away from your spirituality. So I wanna ask you, why do you think you ended up moving away from it in your twenties, and how did you ultimately get back to it?

Gabby Bernstein: I definitely know that having a spiritual foundation as a child was really crucial for me in my life as the through line of my life. And my [00:03:00] mom brought me up visiting Ashrams and I was named by the gurus, and it was just a very natural thing for me to meditate, to talk about spirituality, to have a open dialogue about what that meant because it was in my home.

But by the time I was in my twenties, I was really looking for. My self worth in all the wrong places and really being a young entrepreneur. I started my first company when I was 20, and I was representing nightclubs as a publicist, and that became my new God, really. It was like, let me get past the velvet ropes, say Gabby at the door.

It was all about how much I could push and how hard I could go to get to the levels of success that I was seeking. And really what I was looking for was that feeling of that spiritual connection, but looking for it in all the wrong places. So looking for a feeling of self worth, looking for a feeling of connection inside, looking for genuine, genuine value, [00:04:00] but in an external world.

And so. I'm sure you've had this conversation with many entrepreneurs of when they're searching, searching, searching, and doing a lot of muscling and forcing, it often leads to not only burnout, but in my case, addiction. And so that outside search became so extreme that now it wasn't just about workaholism or trying to be seen or trying to force myself into the best rooms or the best locations, but it started to turn into using drugs and alcohol to start to kind of numb that void inside.

And by the time I was 25, I had a serious cocaine addiction and was my own boss, right? So I'd been running my PR business for five years and I had a business partner, but I was the one bringing in all the business. So like I ran the shots, right? I could be like, I'm showing up at noon, and who gives a shit, right?

I'm here when I wanna be here. And I remember being at my desk and having an intern and I didn't remember, she'd been working for me for a year and I did not remember her [00:05:00] name. I. That was how bad my brain had fried from the drugs and from the partying. And then I just started getting to a very dark place of just being mean.

And just even though my external circumstances were still functioning right, it was like a very high functioning addiction where I was still making money, I was still having success. My successes were in this really dark place of, of, of the nightlife scene. By the grace of God, I got myself sober. So October 2nd, 2005.

I recognized that I couldn't go on like that, and I said a prayer and I just to return to my spiritual roots and I said, God, universe, whoever's out there, I need a miracle. And in that moment I heard this inner voice say to me, you can get clean and live a life beyond your wildest dreams. That was the day I got clean.

It's been almost 20 years now, and in that 20 years I've just. Gone head first into what it means to live a spiritual life and live a life of faith and trust that there is a presence of [00:06:00] energetic support within us and around us, and use the power of spiritual principles as a guiding force in my career and in my life.

Hala Taha: I just spoke to Rachel Hollis and she's got this new book and she talks about this never again, principle, and basically it's like a line in the sand moment where you tell yourself never again, I'm gonna break this pattern. And it's a promise to yourself and. It's a way to strengthen your self integrity so that you never do the thing that you decided like, this is the day I'm never doing this again.

So it reminded me of that. And I'm just curious, I'm sure you wanted to quit drugs before that moment, so why do you think that was your line in the sand? Never again. Moment. 

Gabby Bernstein: I remember having this psychic reading about five months before I got sober, and the psychic said to me, you're struggling with drugs and alcohol.

And I was like, it's not that bad, you know? And then she said, well, you're gonna have two choices in this lifetime. You can stay on the path that you're on [00:07:00] and we all really struggle. Or you can get sober and make a major impact on the world. And I, I had this. Cassette tape recording. I kid you not. I'm 45 now, so we're really dating 20 years back.

I had a cassette tape in my white beat up Toyota Corolla, and I would put that cassette tape. Into the, you know, when I would be like hungover, doing alternate side of the street parking in New York City and I would just press rewind and play and rewind and play. Just listening to her say that you can get clean and make a major impact on the world.

And I heard those words and I think in my heart I knew that to be true and I, because I had that spiritual foundation as a child, I knew there was more. And even in the midst of my addiction, I had these stacks of self-help books next to my bed, and I had big dreams and visions of a career, but really a mission.

A mission, and I think that that knowing is what allowed me to decide. That was my last moment. That was my last day. I also had [00:08:00] hit my bottom. I'd hit enough of a bottom for myself. Thankfully, I wasn't in jail. Thankfully, I wasn't near death. I mean, who knows? You could have gotten there. But at this stage in my life, I was at my bottom and my bottom was, I can't remember things.

My bottom was, I'm not nice to people anymore. My bottom was, I can't go a day without using cocaine, and that was enough of a bottom for me to make that decision. 

Hala Taha: That actually leads into one of the questions that I had for you was your vision of your career. Did you think about writing books and speaking, and did you know that that was the path that you wanted to take?

Or did that unfold more organically? 

Gabby Bernstein: I always knew when I was 14, I was the president of the Jewish Youth Group in my community and it was the regional youth group. So I'd lead like hundreds of kids through these like spiritual weekends at the temple. And when I was in my drug and alcohol addiction, I would have these after hours parties and they'd have these books next to my bed.

All these spiritual books of Wayne Dyer and Louise Hay, and I [00:09:00] would tell the people that I was doing drugs with, I'd be like, I'm gonna be a motivational speaker and a self-help book author. And they'd be like, nice fucking try. But I knew, I knew, I knew that this is what I wanted to do. And I'd been introduced to all these teachers like Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer and my predecessors, who then became my friends and mentors and publisher.

And that was what I knew I was here to do. 

Hala Taha: So you just manifested it. You also hustled. You hustled really, really hard. From 25 to 35. You wrote five books. You were named by Oprah as one of these like really important people to listen to and all these kinds of things. When you were hustling, what kind of season were you internally?

What were you dealing with internally? Were you completely recovered and who you are today or, or what was it like for you? 

Gabby Bernstein: no. I was not recovered at all. I think the first decade of my career from 25 to 35, you said it about right, but that point, maybe I had five or six books. At that point.

I had [00:10:00] been interviewed on Oprah Next Generation thought leader. It was like the benchmarks that I was just going towards, and a lot of that happened quite effortlessly because I was in the service of the work I was doing, and that all was working right. So the successes were there because I was in the joy and the light of my work.

But all the while. I was having extreme anxiety, extreme workaholism, extreme issues around the belief that if I don't do it, nobody else is gonna do it. So just doing, doing, doing and trying to control everything and real controller aspects of myself driving my life and I. Major gastro issues, just constantly in physical pain.

Um, had the inability to be present, and it was up until I was 36 that this was such an extreme problem for me. I remember around 35 when my husband left his job at JP Morgan to come work with me because my career was skyrocketing and I needed, he's a [00:11:00] lawyer and he was a banker, and I, I needed that foundation, right?

I needed that. Everyone deserves a Zach. If you're an entrepreneur. And so he came to work with me. It was around the same time that we were family planning and trying to have a child, and I just, I hit a huge bottom. Where I started saying very regularly, I can't go on like this. I can't go on like this. I can't go on like this.

And then I had a panic attack in a yoga class where I was doing Kundalini yoga, and my whole left side of my body went numb. I called the doctor, the doctor's like, well, this could be ms. Or like, they just started like scaring the shit outta me and I did all these MRIs. Everything was fine. And she said, you're having panic attacks.

You're sending your body into these psychosomatic conditions, right? You're having psychosomatic condition. And it wasn't until about three months after that that I had a dream. And in that dream, I remembered abuse from my childhood. And it was a dissociated memory that I tucked away, that I had shut down.

And it [00:12:00] made so much sense to me, as terrifying as it was to recall this memory. And as earth shattering as it was, it was tremendous relief because I could knew now, I said, okay, that's what I'm running from. That's what I've been drinking over. That's what I've been using over. That's what I've been loving over.

That's what I've been eating over. That's what I've been starving over. That's what I've been working over and recognizing that core wound as the impetus for my addictions and for the reasons that I was running. And that was a turning point in my life. It was interesting. My big turning points were 25 and then 36, like these decade moments, and in fact, a decade later now, 45, I'm having another turning point.

I think it's these decades. I think it takes me about 10 years to get to the up level, and so I spent the last decade up until this point, doing extraordinary trauma recovery, just transformational trauma healing, babe, like the greatest accomplishment of my fucking life is the work I've done on [00:13:00] myself.

And to get to a place now where I feel so safe inside, and I've unburdened the belief that if I don't do it, nobody else will. And I really have the ability to lead with more clarity and lead with more confidence and get my needs met by just asking for it. And just being able to be in this foundational energy where an entrepreneur must be in order to grow and excel, which is just unburdened from the younger parts of myself that were so protective for so long.

Hala Taha: know that IFS something that you talk about a lot now, internal Family Systems was a big part of you actually uncovering that memory, is that right?

Gabby Bernstein: Well, actually, yes. It was the therapy that I was doing at that time, and I've been doing it now for about a decade. Yeah. And it was also what has been probably the greatest therapy in my trauma recovery.

It's called Internal Family Systems Therapy. Such a great [00:14:00] transformation for me that I went on to get the training and it, I'm a practitioner in IFS, even though I'm not a therapist. I was one of the last people to get to go through the level one and level two training in this that wasn't a therapist.

So I've got this training. I'm very dear friends with the founder, Dr. Richard Schwartz, and in my latest book, my 10th book, Self-Help. It is all about how it's democratizing and demystifying and translating this therapy into a self-help practice so that folks that may not ever get to this, by the way, I think the best entrepreneurial book is this book.

Like if you're an entrepreneur and you wanna uplevel your career, read this book. 

Hala Taha: I agree. I found so many tidbits that could help us and I can't wait to kind of unpack all the different things. But first I want people to get a good foundation of it all. 'cause it's a little complicated. There's a lot of things to kind of learn about it.

So first of all, when I heard the word I thought family members, it had something to do with family members, but it's actually like about your internal [00:15:00] parts. So can you talk to us about internal family systems and all the different parts that we have of ourselves that we need to be aware of? 

Gabby Bernstein: Yep. And I'm gonna teach it to you from the self-help perspective because I'm gonna make it easier for people to begin to understand.

So. We all have a lot of different aspects of ourselves, and maybe there's times in your life where you've said, A part of me feels like if I don't do it, nobody else will. Or if a part of me feels like I have to control or a part of me gets outraged when my spouse does X, Y, Z, or I. When I don't get that deal at work, I go into this shame part of myself, or we have these different aspects of ourselves that we're aware of.

Our workaholic, our, I'm just speaking to the entrepreneur, right? Our achiever, our people pleaser. These are like some of the entrepreneurial parts, right? Our controller and these parts of ourselves are actually very young. Do you have any of those parts? Halla, like, 

Hala Taha: oh yeah. Controller for sure. Okay. People pleaser for sure.

Gabby Bernstein: So how long has your controller been around? I. 

Hala Taha: [00:16:00] Forever. It's also one of the reasons why I'm so successful, I think, but it's something that I need to tame now that I have such a large team and I need to be the energy leader of our organization. 

Gabby Bernstein: We're here today 

to learn to befriend that part of us. 

So in IFS, really what happens is, is IFS is talking about the inner family of parts of us inside.

It's like we're this multiple little people inside of us, like little children, inner children inside, and why are they there? They're protection mechanisms. These parts of us are protection. Your controller, your people pleaser, they're all protection mechanisms called protector parts. Who are these protectors protecting Very, very young, exiled parts of ourselves.

So for me, it was the little girl who felt like her parents weren't caring for her, and she felt totally alone and she felt like, if I don't do it, nobody else is gonna do it. So at a real young age, she learned that I gotta be in control to feel safe. If I'm not in control, I will die. Literally, that was the inner dialogue.

Or the people pleaser might be [00:17:00] like, well, I have to make sure everybody else is okay so that I'm still loved. You know, these are young moments in time where we experience trauma Big T or small T trauma. I. Could be something extreme like mine with abuse or, or it could be something less extreme like being bullied or on the playground or, you know, in the case of my son, my son is neurodivergent.

We just got this diagnosis and he's really struggling with his learning and this is a big moment for him. And if we don't step in as that adult figures, which we are, to get him the support and to see him and to hear him, most kids don't have that, right? Their parents are like, oh, good luck with that, or, you know, get over it or whatever.

Then it becomes a part of them that they run from for the rest of their life. And so we've been running, all of us have been running for our lives, protecting ourselves from these impermissible experiences from our childhood. And so the goal of IFS and this particularly self-help is to befriend these younger parts of ourselves.

To help these protection mechanisms feel calmer. I remember I was saying earlier, [00:18:00] like, now I can lead my team from a place that's less controlling from a place that's clear, from a place that's courageous and confident and calm. So what I am now is a self-led leader. This is what's called self in IFS.

Self is an energy inside of us. Self is the presence of that calmness in us. The courage that we have, compassion, we have the confidence, the clarity. These see qualities, the creativity. So hala, when you are designing your next podcast and you're just like in it and you're super and time is flying and you're not thinking and just stuff is super creative, that's self right.

When I'm clear with my team, Hey guys, this is what I need and I would love for you to help me get there. That's self. When I'm controlling, you know, for many years I ran my business, like my 10-year-old part, right? Little girl. It was like, I remember my therapist being like. Don't you think it would be helpful if you didn't run your [00:19:00] business like your 10-year-old?

And I was like, mm-hmm. Yes. Yes I do. So what I want people to understand is that these parts run the show, particularly in entrepreneurs and folks that are running a business, because you've got pressure, you've got a lot of triggers throughout the day. You've got a lot of people that rely on you. You've got people that you have to deal with.

Entrepreneurship is very peopley, okay? Unless you're just doing some code in the corner and you're not gonna. Grow a team, but that's not, you're just working with robots, but we're not there exactly yet. Right? People need people and that can create a lot of triggers. And so our work as entrepreneurs often is a breeding ground for protection mechanisms to get really out of control.

And there's probably times at work when people are like, I don't know what came over me, or. A lot of my entrepreneurial friends, they all have the similar quality of the control or the workaholism or the drive. And to your point, these parts of us have very valuable roles. Right? My controller wrote 10 books in [00:20:00] 14 years and has served a lot of souls, but she also, for most of those years.

Did it at her own expense, right? Did it without joy, did it with glimmers of joy, but not freedom. No ease, no calm, no courage, no connection. Just a lot of running, running, running. And the beautiful thing is if we really want success in our career, we have to tend to the parts of ourselves that are still in those child protection modes.

Hala Taha: It's so interesting as you're saying this. I knew a lot of successful people, and I can picture 'em in my head, who really has this under control and is connected to self just on my interactions with them and how they present themselves and how everything just seems to manifest for them and and is easy and they're always joyful.

Whereas there's other folks that I know that are still in this controller mode and seem like they're controlled by all their little traumas from when they were children. 

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. It's nice too to have friends, [00:21:00] entrepreneurial friends that you can track with. Two of my really dear friends are my brothers, Jay Shetty and Lewis Hausen Lewis in particular.

You know, I would talk with them for years 'cause they've seen me in these sort of iterations of being in my parts and I remember like a. 15 years ago, or 12 years ago, I was with Louis and his partner Matt, and I was like, you guys' like freaking out. Like I just can't build a team. And I'm just like, you know, losing my shit and I just don't know what to do.

And then a decade later, we were at Louis's wedding in Mexico and he's just like, girl, you're chill right now. You're still right. Now you're in such a good presence. And remember when, you know, remember when. And so it's really nice to revisit our younger selves when we've done this work and to be able to be like.

Whew. The work works. I am a living testament to it. Hala, you know, I've had some successes in my career, but I don't even think I've even scratched the surface. 

Hala Taha: Do you think that this is gonna help accelerate you? Like how is doing this kind of work gonna help manifest more for you? 

Gabby Bernstein: It already is.

So being a more self-led leader [00:22:00] rather than a leading from a child place and having. Befriended these younger parts of myself, which I'll teach people how to do today, and really making it my biggest commitment, my number one job. I am now much more trusting, much more clear. Let's start with clarity. Okay, so the clarity is something that I really lacked when I was in that controller part, right?

Because the controller's like, do more, do more, do more. Get this done, da da. The clarity has emerged so greatly that I was able to step back and say, whoa, my energy is being focused in the wrong place. Or, you know, I have to tweak the team so that I get the support that I need. Unburdening the part of myself that believed if I don't do it, nobody else will.

Has now put me into a place where I have so much confidence saying, you gotta do the work, guys. This is what I need. Here's the clarity, and here's the courage and the confidence to say I need it. And if you can't do it, I love you, God bless you, but this ain't gonna work. [00:23:00] Right? And so that's a different energy.

The clarity also is helping a lot with deciding what to do and what not to do because I think that one of the things that held me back so much was trying to do so much and just a few weeks ago, I called my team, I said, oh, that thing, that book course that we're gonna do in in May, we're not doing that.

Scratch it. Done. Take it off the table. Let's focus on Australia. Let's focus on our app and let's focus on this one or two things. Not that that was life changing for me. Calmness is everything, right? So I can show up to my team calls and I can be much more calm because I'm not in that hypervigilant state of trying to force things to happen around me.

Then I think that the clarity also begets more clarity. Self begets more self. So me being in self as the leader, as an entrepreneur, we're sort of the mothership energy, right? Mothership, or that's a bad word. 'cause it's male, female, whatever. But everyone's kind of [00:24:00] co-regulating with us. Yes. And so if we're showing up without clarity, without confidence, just lacking in that creative force and lacking with the direction and just feeling all over the place.

We're gonna create more of that. We're gonna manifest more of that in our team, not calm, right? If we start to feel calm inside. We start to believe and know we're truly taken care of, that we can, we can ask for what we need. We can have the courage to speak up. We can have the confidence to lead in the ways that we know we should, the clarity to make the right choices.

The team starts to open up to their self energy, self begets more self, and so they feel more calm. They are more clear. They can stick to the plan. Right. I also put my big girl pants on. I realize I was the one I've been waiting for. I. I kept being like, you know, maybe my CEO husband's gonna step up. It's like, no, no.

My CEO energy's gotta step up. Right? Or like, maybe my chief of staff is gonna fix all this. No, I am the one to fix this. Right? And so, [00:25:00] what did I do? You know, we use OKRs at our company. I went in and I went hard into the OKRs. I was like, I. The tagline of OKRs is like, if your team isn't sick of talking about OKRs, then you haven't really even begun talking about OKRs.

So they hated, I'm like, every week I'm like, let's go back to the annual occurs. Let's go back to the quarterly OKRs. Like, are we on track and does everybody memorize the OKRs? Do we know what our goals are? Do we know what our key results are? Are we tracking people and. Realizing that I was the one I've been waiting for, allowed me to become my own internal parent, right?

My own internal CEO, step up, do the great things that I need to do, and then as a result, do so much less hala. 

Hala Taha: 

Gabby Bernstein: Because now I'm getting my needs met. People are able to do the work because I've asked them to. 

Hala Taha: Yeah, 

Gabby Bernstein: because I've created the plan, because I'm not pissed off that no one's reading my mind. 

Hala Taha: I love that.

I mean, you're speaking directly to me. I really need to take heed to all of this because when you're running a big company, it can get easy to just point fingers and be like, do this, do that, do this. And especially as things get bigger [00:26:00] and bigger and you're not on the ground as much as you used to, it's easy to just feel like directing everybody from afar instead of just being super clear on the plan and and things like that.

And you were just referring, just so everybody is clear, you were referring to the eight essential qualities known as the eight Cs, that self. That's right. Yes. Right. So that's curiosity, calmness, connectedness, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage and confidence. 

Gabby Bernstein: And let me define what self, and that's why the book is called Self-Help.

Because when you start to turn inward, you start to tend and give curiosity and compassion and connection. Through my four step practice. You give this curious inquiry, which we can do together towards these younger parts. And as you start to offer them that connection self, the energy of self. That inner teacher, that internal parent, it starts to emerge naturally.

Okay? So what happens is, I'm not gonna even talk too much about it 'cause you're gonna experience, I wanna do it with you, but there's a beautiful quote in the book that's [00:27:00] from, uh, IFS practitioner called Stephen Kranz, and he says that self is like the sun behind the clouds. And when the clouds begin to dissipate, the self energy of the sun can emerge naturally.

So it's already here. The adult resource, undamaged self, the part of us, the essence of who we are, the God within us, the love within us, the creativity, the spirit, the confidence, the courage. It's here. We've just built up these protection mechanisms that have been masking it like the clouds. And so this is about calming and connecting and compassionately connecting to these protection mechanisms so that self can emerge naturally.

Hala Taha: Okay, so let's do this exercise. 

Gabby Bernstein: Wait, let's do it. What part would you like to work with? You mentioned two already, the controller, you mentioned the people pleaser. 

Hala Taha: Let's do controller. 'cause I feel like that is probably the most one that I have 

Gabby Bernstein: So look, we're gonna do it with Hala and then if you're listening, you can kind of follow along or you can come back and do it on your own with the book. But here we are. [00:28:00] So the first step, Paula, is to choose to check in with the part.

And the thing that happens often is when the controller is activated. Let's say somebody didn't do something at work. What? What activates the controller in your life? 

Hala Taha: Somebody did something wrong, like didn't do what they're supposed to do or miss something, or already said it three times and 

Gabby Bernstein: yeah, okay.

Somebody 

does something wrong, the controller gets activated. What happens is often you might, we, I'll just speak for myself, become blended with the controller, and then we double down on the control. We check out, and so the point of the first step is instead of checking out with the controller, we choose to check in.

Okay. So knowing that there's a beat that we can take, just a little pattern interrupt and that's the first step. Choose to turn your attention inward. That's number one. We've already done that. 'cause you said I wanna check in with the controller. Okay. Step two is curiosity. So I'm just gonna ask you, you can keep your eyes open, close, whatever feels good for you for a few moments.

Just notice where that controller energy lives inside of you. Where does it live in your body? 

Hala Taha: My stomach? 

Gabby Bernstein: Okay. Is there any shape [00:29:00] or color attached to it? I. 

Hala Taha: Probably red, I guess. 

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. And if there's any images or thoughts or sensations connected to it, you can just ask it some curiosity questions.

What else do you want me to know? 

Hala Taha: I don't know if you're asking this, but I feel like it's probably because I just always have to work so hard for everything. 

Gabby Bernstein: Okay. So it's saying, I feel like I have to work so hard for everything. Thank you. Okay. And how long has that part been around? 

Hala Taha: Forever? 

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah.

Yeah. Do you feel you have a little connection to it right now? 

Hala Taha: Yes. 

Gabby Bernstein: Are there any images that come to mind when you think about this part? When you tap into it? 

Hala Taha: Mm, maybe just long nights or rejection, things like that. 

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. 

Okay. Yeah. 

Anything else that it wants us to know right now? Mm. 

Hala Taha: I don't know. I feel like sad.

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. Yeah. That's real. 

Hala Taha: probably just working really hard. I don't know. Yeah. Just for a long time. 

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. This part's been working [00:30:00] really hard for a long, long time. Yeah. I understand. Can you connect a little closer to that part? Right now in this third step and compassionately connect and just now you have such nice access to it.

Can you ask that part? What does it need? What does it need right now? 

Hala Taha: Better support from the team. 

Gabby Bernstein: Mm-hmm. Anything else? 

Hala Taha: More organization maybe. 

Gabby Bernstein: Okay. Okay. 

Hala Taha: Support a vacation. 

Gabby Bernstein: Support a vacation. A break. Yeah. 

Hala Taha: Yeah. 

Gabby Bernstein: Okay. Can you put your hand on your belly where you feel it, and just give it some breath right now.

So take a really deep belly breath in, Hala, and just extend your diaphragm. And then just let it go. Just connecting to this part. Just let it know that I see it and that you see it, right? That we're with it right now. Also that I really, really can have a lot of compassion and understanding, 'cause I've been there too.

I understand that part a lot. Okay. And now with another deep breath, take one more deep breath.[00:31:00] 

How do you feel right now? Check in. 

Hala Taha: Good. Not sad anymore. 

Gabby Bernstein: Okay. How does that part feel inside of you? 

Hala Taha: Good. More resolved, I guess. 

Gabby Bernstein: More calm. 

Hala Taha: More calm. Yeah. 

Gabby Bernstein: Little clarity about it. 

Hala Taha: Yeah. 

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a little bit more curious about it? Maybe? Like, would you like to get to know more about it? 

Hala Taha: Yeah.

Gabby Bernstein: Okay. Do you have, uh, compassion for it sounds like you did when you got sad a little bit. 

Hala Taha: Yeah, definitely. 

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. Yeah. Some compassion to it and maybe some confidence to get to know it a little bit more. Yeah. 

Hala Taha: Mm-hmm. For sure. 

Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. And you felt a lot of connection to it. I mean, I saw it in your whole physical body.

Oh, 

Hala Taha: 100%. Yeah. Yeah. 

Gabby Bernstein: A lot of self-energy here holla. So in those four steps, instead of checking out and going and overriding yourself and just going into control, control, control, we checked in, we gave the part, which is a little girl inside of you or little, little part, little person inside, girl. I don't know if it's [00:32:00] gender or no gender, whatever, but it's a little part of you inside, and we gave it compassion.

Curiosity connection. What do children who are distressed need good parents? Compassion. 

Hala Taha: Oh, you say parents? Good parents. 

Gabby Bernstein: That's right. They need compassion, curiosity, and connection. They need good parents to co-regulate with them. So self is compassion, self is connection. Self is that curiosity. So these self-like qualities, offering them to this part allowed the part to settle.

And in that moment of settling where you had a nice little cathartic release, you had some breath, you had compassion, you had connection emerged, clarity emerged, self-energy emerged tah. Okay, the bottom line here, babe, is rinse and repeat. Every time you have enough awareness of that part. So the next time you notice, oh shit, the controller's here.[00:33:00] 

I want you to challenge yourself to say, guys, I'm gonna step away for a second, okay?

Hala Taha: Mm-hmm. 

Gabby Bernstein: And then I'm gonna give you my app because in the app I can take you through this like a meditation. You don't have to do it yourself, but you could also do it with the book. And I want you to take yourself, uh, let me take you through the four steps, or take yourself through the four steps and then access a little self through the four step, and then return to the team.

Hala Taha: Hmm. 

Gabby Bernstein: That will change your career. 

Hala Taha: So much better than doing like a stream of consciousness on Slack. You know, it just, I feel like will prevent a lot of that, you know, just rattling off what's in my brain. That's right. And being able to like step back and come back. And how would that impact, is this contagious with the team?

Gabby Bernstein: Very, very, yeah. You know, one of the things that I do with my team is I speak for my parts rather than as my parts as often as possible. So. The other day I was like stepping on somebody's toes on a call and I, the next day I was like, I noticed a part of me that was like a little [00:34:00] controlling, stepping on your toes a bit.

I just wanted to speak for that because I think that there's a part of me that still doesn't totally trust this new relationship with the paid team or whatever it was. You know what I mean? And speaking for the part. Right. And then what that does for them is it lets them start to use the language as well.

And it allows me to, I have some team members where we'll speak for our parts, right? So they'll be like, oh, part of me got really triggered here. But more importantly, the more self-energy I show up with, the less activated their parts get and the more self they have. So it's not even like we have to deal with.

'cause remember, we are the energy that they're regulating with. It's just the dynamic. There's nothing, there's no in way around it, right? And so. When we show up in self, we give them permission to be in self. And if they're not in self, our self energy can hold that and realize, okay, I'm not responsible for you, but I can acknowledge you and have compassion towards you and have clarity to tell you, you know, here, here's what we can do next.

Right? So it's called self-led leadership, [00:35:00] and I'm super passionate about this. I really wanna teach as many entrepreneurs this, this style of, of living. Also the style of working, because I think that so many entrepreneurs are doing good in the world. A lot of your podcasters that work with you and just a lot of what you're doing is really good people doing good work, and do we all need that access to self?

Hala Taha: Let's go deeper on these protector parts and how to speak to them. So I know that there's managers, there's firefighters, and you say We should be speaking to these protector parts when we're checking in, right? Can you help us understand all of that? Yeah. So. 

Gabby Bernstein: IFS. There's different levels of protectors. I explain it in the book, but I don't go too heavily into it because these more extreme parts, like the firefighters, which is often the addicts, right?

The suicidal ideation, the dissociation, the addict, that's a part that I would say you really wanna work with in therapy or in a 12 step program, or you know, in a recovery center or things like this. [00:36:00] But for the sake of your own self-help work. Connect to the, what it's called, managers, right? The protector parts of yourself that are sort of the day-to-day always on kind of first responders, the controller in your case, or for me, the controller as well, the first responders, right?

So maybe you have a first responder that's like the people pleaser or the first responder that's like numbs that on YouTube. Or the protection mechanisms that you have that are the ones that are around on a day-to-day basis. And that, that advice, I think is very, very cautious because it's not saying, oh.

You're a drug addict, go start checking in with your drug addict part. It just might feel that that part is too stuck in shame or too hard to access. And so I would say really doing that work with the therapist would be a better next step. 

So the managers that we check in with, and the managers of the protection mechanisms that are the parts of us that are on high alert all day long, the ones that are just on repeat throughout the day.

Hala Taha: So let's talk about boundaries. What kind of role does boundaries play when it comes to protecting our [00:37:00] energy and how can we set them as entrepreneurs without having guilt? 

Gabby Bernstein: I'm gonna sound a little bit like a broken record, but when you start to access more self inside, once again, remember you have more clarity.

Mm-hmm. So as you start to heal the burdened parts of yourself and you start to access more of that self energy, you are just more clear about what you need and. I can speak for this very authentically 'cause I'm living it right now. So now with that total newfound clarity of what I need, I have very clear boundaries.

I can write reviews. I'm writing reviews for my team right now, and I can be very specific in the incidences where I. That thing that happened isn't actually what I want. Right. Or what, or what's gonna fly for me. It's like, you know, somebody doesn't get back to somebody quickly. It's like, this may sound like a strange boundary, but it's like, you know, I have a hard line in the sand.

That's really important for me that we return emails within 24 hours to people that are outside the business because I wanna be respectful. Right? So if, unless you have a really big reason, like let's make sure that's a, the, [00:38:00] that's a clear boundary, right? It's like, but I can say that not being an asshole.

Hala Taha: Yeah. 

Gabby Bernstein: And so when you have that clarity and you have that confidence and you have that courage, boundaries become effortless. They become almost like second nature. It's almost strange if you wouldn't be creating boundaries because you just have so much clarity that we wouldn't override it. And so it's not like it, it becomes more effortless, and so it's gonna sound like a broken record, but keep coming back to these steps to keep connecting to self.

And in the more self you're in, the easier it is to create those boundaries. Like if you have a boundary you wanna create with a person in your life, go do the four step check-in, get back into self, then go and say what you need. 

Hala Taha: That's really good advice. 

Gabby Bernstein: Don't say what you need. Don't create a boundary from, apart from a protection mechanism.

Hala Taha: You've gotta get clarity first and not, 

Gabby Bernstein: you gotta get calm, you gotta get clear. You gotta get confident, you gotta get courage. You gotta get out of the trigger. 

Hala Taha: Another issue that entrepreneurs specifically have is perfectionism. And you've said before you don't need to be perfect, you just have to [00:39:00] show up.

So talk to us about perfectionism and entrepreneurship and all your advice there. 

Gabby Bernstein: You know, I'm kind of the wrong person to ask about perfectionism because I think one of my greatest virtues, even in my most difficult moments in my life, is just my ability to be like, fuck it, let's go. And in some ways I've almost had to become more methodical and more pristine about things as I've trained myself to be.

But I think that perfection isn't just like control, just like workaholism. All of it is just another form of protection. If it's not perfect, and I see this particularly right now, even in like my young child, for instance, it's like if he's not perfect at it, he won't do it. Why? Because he's so afraid of the feeling of not being good enough, right?

Not doing it perfectly, being inadequate. These are young, young parts that were established at a very, very young age, and so we need to be very gentle with them. And so the broken record, do the four step check in with the perfectionist. You know, I'm just gonna sound like a broken [00:40:00] record, but recognizing first also that that perfectionist is very young.

If you ask your perfectionist part, how long have you been around, it's gonna be like forever. Why is it there? You know? Because at some point in time you realize if I'm not perfect, I'm not good enough, or I'm not perfect, I'm inadequate. Or if I'm not perfect, I'm not safe. 

Hala Taha: Do the four step check-in again, like give me an example.

Yeah, sure. Aside from what we went through with me, the controller, gimme an example, and then how you check in. Let's 

Gabby Bernstein: do with a listener. Okay. So let's do with the listener right now. Take a moment to think about any, uh, pattern, thought or behavior that's on repeat in your life. That's just pretty, pretty up for you.

And we gave some examples, like maybe you're get into control mode or rage mode, or maybe you're a perfectionist or maybe you check out and you numb out. Maybe you just YouTube to, to avoid the, the beliefs or the feelings. Or the behaviors that are sort of undesirable and on repeat could also be something like anxiety.

I was gonna say anxiety or could be a belief like, I, I can't get to the next level. Or just think about that undesirable thing that's just kind of up for you all the time that you just can't kick. And the we're [00:41:00] gonna check in with it instead of check out. So the first step is to choose to check in. So choose to focus your attention inward if it feels safe for you in this moment.

If not, just listen. If it feels safe for you in this moment, choose to check inside and check in with that part of yourself. The second step is to, the second step is to become curious, and so you're gonna ask a few questions. Where does it live in your body? Where does this part live in your body? And just notice what you notice, and maybe ask the part, how long has it been around?

And just notice what you notice. And notice if there's any thoughts or feelings or sensations attached to it. So we've offered it some curiosity. As soon as you get a few answers and you start to have those, those answers, bud, you're getting connections. That's when you offer the third step, which is compassionate connection.

And you offer this part the question, what do you need? 

And listen, you know, hella what you said was beautiful. I need, I need a break. You know, you're like, I need a, I need to rest, I need support. [00:42:00] And then once you do that, just take a deep breath and breathe into the space where that part lives in your body.

Notice any shifts inside. Notice if you feel a little connection to the part, notice, if you feel more curious about it, notice if you feel some compassion towards it. Notice any courage or any creative energy moving through. You just pay attention and notice what you notice inside, and likely you've noticed a little bit of calmness or a little bit of clarity in that self.

And those are the four steps. Rinse and repeat. Throughout the book, I give you a lot of different ways to use these steps. I'm gonna tell you, this is an absolute game changer for an entrepreneur. If you actually apply it, like if you do one minute a day of checking in with your parts, that will change your career, it will uplevel you.

You'll manifest way, way more because you're gonna be a calmer point of attraction, and then that's when you start to effortlessly manifest. 

Hala Taha: Okay, so my last question to you. Now that you've been an entrepreneur [00:43:00] for almost two decades, right? Over two decades, 25 years. Over two decades. Wow. Over two decades.

And you've been through all these transformations, like you said, you feel like you're kind of a new person every 10 years in terms of how you view the world. What's your mission now and and how has it evolved over the years? Like do you feel like your mission has changed? 

Gabby Bernstein: My mission hasn't changed. It's just upleveled.

So right now. My mission is to serve as many souls as I can. I've always known I'm one to many, and I am welcoming the support of the universe. I'm welcoming the support of the the team. I'm welcoming all the energy within me and around me to create the environment with which I can effortlessly do my good work because my work is healing and.

It's a reminder to others of the light that is inside of them. And that is what's needed now to combat and to balance the energy of the times that we're living in. And it's very, very [00:44:00] clear to me. So, so here right now, thank you Hala for being part of that. You know, just care, helping me carry the message, helping me do that in this moment.

Hala Taha: Oh, of course. So I asked two questions to end my show with all of my guests. First one is, what is one actionable thing our young and profits can do today to become more profitable tomorrow? Check in with your parts. Check in four steps. Do the four step check in four steps. We did it a few times, so you guys are pros.

Now go do it, and I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna recap in the outro and second one, which you can answer. It doesn't have to do with today's episode. Just answer it from the heart. What is your secret to profiting in life? 

Gabby Bernstein: Focusing on my inner world and healing myself. Feeling safe inside. 

Hala Taha: Any last advice to the entrepreneurs out there today?

Gabby Bernstein: You are the one you've been waiting for. Know that your energy and your sense of connection inside is the secret. That's the secret. 

Hala Taha: Gabby, I know everybody can find you online, you're really easy to [00:45:00] find, but where do you wanna send everybody to as a first step? Well, the book is called Self-Help. This 

Gabby Bernstein: is your chance to change your life.

You can find [email protected]. My podcast is Dear Gabby at Gabby Bernstein on social. I'm all over the place. You'll find me. You'll find me if it's resonating. 

Hala Taha: Awesome. Gabby, thank you so much for joining us today. Thank you on Young and profiting 

Gabby Bernstein: such a good episode. Thanks.

Hala Taha: I'm incredibly grateful to Gabby for opening up and sharing so much of her personal journey. Her path from addiction to becoming a powerful teacher and spiritual guide is a moving reminder of what true transformation looks like. I'm especially inspired to try some of her tools for reconnecting with my core self.

As promised, I wanna walk you through Gabby's four step Check-in once more so you can try it for yourself and begin building a deeper connection with your inner self. The first step is choose to [00:46:00] check in. Decide to turn your attention inward instead of checking out of a situation or reacting impulsively.

If you have a controller part like mine that gets activated when something frustrating happens at work, then take a beat. Slow down and interrupt that pattern in yourself. Step two is curiosity. Notice where that feeling or part lives in your body. Explore it as a thought or sensation that is a part of you rather than who you actually are.

Ask inwardly, what is this part trying to tell me? And then step three, compassion. Rather than pushing the feeling away, meet it with kindness. Offer this part compassion and ask what it truly needs right now. And finally, step four. Check for self. Look for any qualities of your core self that may have emerged.

What Gabby calls the eight Cs, including calmness, clarity, courage, and creativity. This is a moment to witness the subtle [00:47:00] but powerful shift within your inner landscape. And there you have it with practice. This check-in can help you feel more grounded, centered, and ready to face whatever life throws your way.

Thanks for tuning in to this episode.

And if you did enjoy this show and you learned something, then drop us a five star review on Apple Podcast, Spotify cast box, wherever you listen to the show. Nothing helps us reach more people than a good review from you. If you prefer to watch your podcast as videos, you can find us on YouTube. I'm approaching 60,000 subscribers on YouTube, which is awesome.

Thank you for following the channel and just look up young and profiting, and you'll find all of our episodes on there. You can also find me on Instagram or LinkedIn by searching my name. It's Hala Taha. Of course, I gotta shout out my amazing production team. Thank you so much to everybody at the Yap Media family.

I appreciate all your hard work. This is your host, Hala Taha, AKA, the podcast princess signing off. [00:48:00]